everclear

Put my everclear CD on in the car today on the way home. It's been so long since I listened to it. "sparkle and fade" has so many great songs on it, it's hard to decide which I like best. It's such a great cd for filling up all the space around it and inside you. Here are the lyrics from one of the songs just to give you an idea (although you really need the music too - quickly run and buy the cd:)

*Sparkle and Fade* by Everclear
let's just drive your car
we can drive all day
let's just get the hell away from here
for i am sick again
just plain sick to death
of the sound of my own voice

we can leave behind
another wasted year
let's get some cheap red wine
and just go flying

we can do the things
all the things you wanted to
no one cares about us anyway

i think i lost my smile
i think you lost yours too
we have lost the power
to make each other laugh
let's just leave this place
and go to summerland
it's just a name on the map
it sounds like heaven to me

we can find a town
be just how we want to be
no one here really cares about us anyway
we can find a place
make it what we want to be
no one really gives a F*&^ about us anyway

we can live
live just how we want to live
no one here really cares about us anyway
we can be
everything we want to be
we can get lost in the
fall, glimmer, sparkle, and fade

the sparkle and fade
fall, glimmer, sparkle and fade
fall, glimmer, sparkle and fade

forget about our jobs
at the record store
forget about all the
losers that we know
forget about all the
memories that keep you down
forget about them
we can lose them in the
sparkle and fade
fade...

the sparkle and fade
fall, glimmer, sparkle, and fade
******************************

It's just that perfect "run away from the situation" song

Bad Day

I feel it building but I have no way to dam this flow
So I hide in the bathroom and let my head hang low
Let these bitter tears of misery escape me
Then try to hide the evidence of my uncertainty

I go to my car and turn up the music high
To try and drown my thoughts so I can try
To see, to drive beyond a blur of salt
I think survival is a matter of default

Responsibillty

It is not that I wanted this
But it wanted me
It chased me
I twisted and turned
And danced away
To lose it
But it didn't let go
Like a shadow
It stayed sewn to my heels

So here I am
Carrying it
As I would a child
Or a victor
It is lighter
And heavier then I thought
I didn't want this
But it wanted me
Responsibility

Stand in water

Breathe in life
Let it out again
Try to calm your heart
From what just began

Perhaps it is only
That I was not born you
That makes me happy
To accept a word like true

To see that there are
Things more solid then stone
That are untouchable
Keeps me from being alone

Stand in water
Feet sinking into sand
Sun warms my face
God surely holds my hand

Bitter Captivity

I want to rant and rave
But this was too close a save
And there are things behind my words you would misunderstand
So I keep myself silent and aquiesce to your unspoken demand

But there's bitterness ahead
I cannot quell
How easily you shed
What held us so well
A friendship built on words and absurdity
Now threatened by your heart's bitter captivity

This morning: Drama III

Welcome to my world. To enter my world you must first take the pledge "I will not use officeworks, they are sucky and evil". Thank you. Your boycott is appreciated and will be kept in mind when I'm in charge of the world.

Perhaps you even deserve a small explanation.......

I have spent a fair amount of time putting together, the past papers into one document. My plan: print doublesided at officeworks, then bind them. Simple right? You go there because it'll be quicker then home right? Particularly at 9am when there were no other customers. You fool!!! you're falling into the trap. Competence is a word unknown to that place!

They opened my document. They printed out the first page. I looked at it - yes fine go ahead, the other 215 pages (x 2) await you. (enter new customer). They start to serve him. I think "please, press the print button, it's not so hard to do, and then it will have started to print". 10 minutes later. Print button pressed. "How long will it take?" 20 minutes. I go for a walk. I come back. I look at the printer. That looks like a bloody lot of paper. I point it out. She stops it half way through it's fourth copy. For some reason. It's just a "mostly double sided" document. I sigh, say it's fine. I choose binding stuff and am very agreeable. I say, "what will you do with the extra copy? Throw it out?" "yes" she replies. I say "well then can I have it?" "i'll have to check with my boss". I wait for my stuff to be bound. Unfortunately our "very short attention span" friend has spotted another customer. He has lots of documents, in different files. she has decided that while I stand there waiting (I have now been here for about 40 - 45 minutes) she will serve the new customer instead of taking the three minutes it takes to bind my document (that would keep the man in the business suit waiting for a whole three minutes, never mind me!). I wait. I tap. I stare. I sigh. I whisper annoyedly to matthew. The boss-lady asks if anyone needs help. The other girl says "there's the binding". the boss-lady finds another customer to serve instead. I sigh LOUDLY. Eventually, they bound my document. I think it took them less then three minutes to do the two documents. I have now been there an hour. "sorry we can only give the third copy to you for half price". Me: "you'd rather throw something out just to stop someone having something for free? That's counterproductive. You could be generating goodwill." "i'm sorry, it's not my decision" (probably a nice girl, it really isn't her fault, it's her bitchy boss) she says. I sigh. No I won't take it. It's not that I can't find a friend who'd want it, but I only ordered two, and they're trying to make me pay for their trash (I mean, it's of NO use to them). I'm pissed.

I have sent in a complaint thru the officeworks website. I'm sure they won't care. But they're just stupid. All those trees died for nothing because they're so vindictive, nothing can be free.

small ammendment

the term "my phone" was used rather loosely in the last post, and should be interpretted as "karen's phone".

later that evening: drama II

"My phone is lost irretrievably lost" These are the thoughts running through my head after searching my car and my whole house for my phone. Sitting there being as still as possible while I ring it because then even if it's on silent, surely I'd hear it vibrating.

Earlier that day, I'd vaguely looked for it and rung it a few times, but hadn't believed it was lost. now I do. And I'm devastated. I mean my dad's one thing, but this is my mobile we're talking about here!! (not really, I actually honestly love my dad a bunch more then my mobile, but I wanted to convey my despair).

Matt is out on the balcony with his mobile. He rings mine, from far far away (downstairs) he hears the unmistakable tones of the smurfs. There is hope, there is a dream. We wander down. There in the garden there is a small green glow, and a bubbly tune, and a much loved phone. 12 missed calls. 2 messages.

it's a miracle. It's been sitting there all day, ringing. No one has picked it up. there was a light sprinkling of rain earlier that day too. My phone is unphased. I carry it upstairs, berating it "why did you go and hide in the garden, you naughty phone!!". Seriously. I have no idea how it got there. My last memory of the phone is monday night matt saying to me "you don't need to bring your phone" and me saying "oh yeah" and putting it on the table.

pseudo heart attacks: Drama I

It all started last night. I was sitting at the table, trying to get the protector on my pda (which is irrelevent to the story except that because I was interrupted, it now has bubbles between it and the screen which means the stylus doesn't run smoothly on the screen anymore). When my mother called me (with a most serious face) to her bedroom. Where dad was lying on the bed clutching his chest and saying it hurts. I looked at them and said "why don't you just call an ambulance - that's why you pay the levy" (in fact that's why they pay it about 10 times, because now that the ambulance levy comes with your electricity bill my parents pay it on their home bill and all their business bills - I mean really they should be able to get special sponsorship signs to put up "QAS - we give, because we believe" even though they give because they have no choice because the queensland government has created a practically illegal tax). Once I convinced them to call the ambulance, I launched into the "heart pain" speal:

me: How much does it hurt
dad: a lot
me: scale of 1-10
Dad: it's up there
me: where is the pain
dad: (general hand gesture including his whole chest and abdomen) here
me: (silent groan) does it radiate anywhere
dad: no
me: what's the pain like?
dad: it hurts
me: (teeth grinding) is it sharp, burning, crushing, dull etc?
dad: it really just hurts a lot
me: have you ever had a pain like this before
dad: no
me: (I suddenly notice he's a bit protective of his stomach - like it'd hurt to touch - I feel suspicious) - Are you sure it's not burning, up into your throat, did you eat anything tonight (i'm thinking this is epigastric)
dad: no
me: does anything make it better or worse?
dad: no, it just hurts
(insert siren, then the sound of ambos coming up the stairs)
dad: It's going away, I'm starting to feel better
me: so how long has it lasted then?
dad: about 30 minutes (i myself have only been there for 10 minutes, and I did have a little feel of his totally fine pulse in that time)

Then the ambos did his BP, three lead ECG, felt his pulse, had a chat. Said probably epigastric.

My DDx (differential diagnosis):
ulcers
diverticulitis (last colonoscopy says he has it)
pancreas
panic attack (told me he thought he was dying, Kj said that about 8 years ago, he thought he was having a heart attack, and it was a panic attack, probably doesn't really account for the pain, but you should always put psychogenic as part of a DDx).

In fact I was actually much relieved when I came into the room and he was having chest pains. Because I somehow knew, I was being called in as a medical person. The only health problem I know dad has at the moment - inguinal hernia. And so I was thinking "this better not be about that, because I'm not looking at it, I just won't!!!"
So when it wasn't that, I sighed in relief.

mad world

This is my favourite song at the moment:
*Mad world*
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
**************

It's just got one of those perfect melancholy tunes.

dinner

Well matt and I went to Joseph Alexander's for dinner last night.... yummy, yummy, yummy. If you live in brisbane I totally recommend it. It's on corro drive. The service was excellent.
We had entree's first, you can get a medly of entree's for two people and we had:
honey quail of some description - on a bed of grilled figs and pears
aniseed duck springroll with a chutney type dipping sauce - delic
grilled prawns with a sweet peanut sauce (on the side for matt's sake)
battered scollops (which were so soft and tender)
and lemon grass and chilli oysters

Everything was good from that selection, I could go back and just eat their entrees!

Then I had confit of duck on a bed of grilled asparagus with mushroom rice. The duck was cooked perfectly, just pulling away from the bone. It was also - all good!
Matt had a rack of lamb with something-a-rather on the side.

We both then had the chocolate soufle for dessert. You've never, ever, ever had chocolate soufle this good. Seriously. Go there and eat dessert if you can't afford the rest. It's the best you'll ever have!

anniversary

Today is my one year wedding anniversary:) It is a good day. Also my sister got back from being overseas:) well matt and I managed to organise that we would go out to a nice restaurant for dinner, but this morning we both realised this is one of those times in life when you're supposed to give each other presents.... oops! Neither of us had bought a present. Apparently the one year anniversary is the paper one.... oh well. I don't think the present thing is going to happen.

Squid fishing on the weekend was a dead loss, however I did get to go shopping before hand and buy a whole bunch of cool gear so I'm still pleased. Now I have a prawning net (I'm looking forward to going prawning and then eating lots of yummy fresh prawns - always the optimist), surf shoe things (non slip soles and the rest is wetsuit material), squid gigs (although we got a few snags and lost one of those fishing), a fishy measuring ruler, some lures, tuna oil (to pour on the squid jig so the squid will like it better). So after spending $80 on gear, it probably would have been cheaper to go and just buy some calamari (which we ended up having to do anyway....). Oh well.

This week is state of origin week... Down with the blues! It will be most disappointing if we lose this year!

Well I have procrastinated enough, must be off.

exile

One of my friends has placed me in exile. I'm not sure how long I will be in exile, with all attempts at contact by me ignored, but I'm fairly sure my crime didn't warrant this. lalalalalala. That's me singing because it's boring in exile. I'm not sure whether to be pissed off or amused that at 23 we still have to play the "ignoring each other" game. I'd send you to his blog to read the comment I put on that might have contributed to my exile, only he deleted it, and the post it was in reply to..... I can only presume I hit my third strike and damn it - I never heard the umpire calling strike 1, strike 2, but I'm hearing the strike 3 you're out pretty loudly at present. Well better get back to the organising past papers to study...

meaningless

"meaningless, meaningless, utterly meaningless" Guess the quote. It is apparantly the feeling harboured in your heart.

I will type words
for you to never see
As you maintain a wall
between you and me

create a vacuum
To make me feel small
everytime I email
So I'll never call

a one way flow occurs
Are you even there
Nine meaningless years
cry for an ending fair

introduction

I was going to explain why I've started a blog, and why I called myself earthkissed.... Basically I had a free website that I set up thru UQ, but then they made it so you could only access student websites if you were a UQ account holder... Seemed pointless. Being completely inapt at anything slightly technical (Like publishing webpages), I have not been able to successfully recreate my webpage at another address. So i decided to leave the past behind, and move on to the future: Blogging. I have a few friends (I think they're my friends, the jury's still out at the moment due to an enduring silence) who have blogs, so I decided to join their ranks.

The earthkissed thing. I wrote a poem that was sort of about death once, for some reason I took the title of that and made it my identity.... I wish I had like a real reason for doing that, but I don't. Still as I made it my name, I think I'll put the poem here:

Earth-Kissed

The grass beneath my body cradles me
In a fragrant and warm embrace of hope
My eyes meet the blues sky and drift with clouds
I let my strange thoughts keep my mind afloat

The leaves that are falling capture my dreams
Enticing them to the death of the ground
Like lead I cannot move, yet I feel light
And my deaf ears hear every haunting sound

The wind dances through my hair not my lungs
I am covered by a blanket of mist
It cools the heat of busy pounding blood
I'm relaxed and I know I've been earth-kissed

melancholy morning

It's a melancholy morning. I should be at uni. I'm not. I'm a fourth year medical student. Here in Brisbane, that means I'm a final year medical student. Scary. Next year, they give me a licence to kill. I suspect we're not supposed to call it that. But considering I'm not at lectures, maybe that's what mine will be. At present I'm on my neurosurg term. It's only two weeks, and they don't seem to mind if we don't go. that means my plan for the day is to organise the past papers into a booklet, and print it to use as my study guide. Hopefully that won't take the whole day, and I'll be able to just mess around the rest of the day.

maybe I'll go shopping for my squid jig. I haven't tried squid fishing before, but tomorrow night, I'm going to head down to manly and try my hand at it:) fun:)

why my own blog

i am warranted but silence
And with a tap I'm deleted
To pretend I'm silent
The circle is completed