Something Real

I had a realisation today
I realised that I was scared
Scared that if I said something real to you
You would take it and use it to hurt me
Perhaps that's why this distance is so palpable

But still I worry my fear
Is much too well founded to overcome
So I have put my real words away
And we will talk in empty phrases
Being careful to put nothing inbetween the lines

Exams

As I sit here I try to prepare
But it is difficult
When you realise
It will be scarier to succeed
Than to fail

Are you happy?

I don't think you could be happy
Always busy believing in misery
That the world can't hold hope
And the best to do is cope

I remember you were happy
You laughed and talked to me
You had something to believe
Can you too hear yourself grieve?

I don't know how to help you
These days I don't even get through
Trust me there is still good here
More to believe in than fear

Seriously Pissed

Okay. I am seriously pissed off!!!! Finally I decided that it was ridiculous to not hang my washing up downstairs just because once all my bras got taken and a few pairs of undies. So I hung my clothes up downstairs on the clothesline (but not feeling too brave left my bras upstairs in the bathroom). ALL MY UNDERWEAR got stolen plus some of my socks. I don't mean to sound silly, but that leaves me just a little short in that particular department and quite frankly, it's an expensive one to restock. What does anyone need used underwear for? I mean seriously people are just doing it to be a nuisance! Well it worked they're a nuisance! I can't hang my clothes downstairs and I'm so angry that I swing from tears to throwing things to yelling and my hands shake from frustration that I can't find this person and pummel them into the ground for being such a ****ing dickhead.

Do you hate me?

Don't quite know who you are
Lost you somewhere far away
And are you coming back
From the void or will you stay
Lost forever scared little boy
Afraid to hope and love and like
Just because you're so sure
Someone else will get a strike

Do you hate me?
Or do you hate yourself?
Why all this conflict?

Don't know how to talk to you
Twisting everything around
When you've stopped digging
Step back up on to the ground
Are you gone to me forever
Have you snatched back every chance
Bitter eyes steal your sadness
Take up your defensive stance

Do you hate me?
Or do you hate yourself?
Why all this conflict?

Spider Parasite

Okay, so the other day I found this cool spider on my clothes. It looked like it had a worm (a bit like a maggot) growing out of it's back! The worm/maggot looked like it was attached at the spot between the head and the bum part of the spider. So I put it in a jar (yes I am that kind of cruel person, I've never grown out of it) and the worm/maggot killed the spider. It is now an empty shell, the worm/maggot is huge and hanging in a web. Curiosity (or perhaps it was the fact that I was supposed to be studying) got the better of me and I did a quick look on the web.

It was wasp larva. But it gets cooler. It's a "manipulative wasp". It flies in and stings the spider which is then paralysed. It then lays it's eggs, the spider comes all back alive again goes about it's normal web building activities while the larva drinks it's blood. Then the night before the larva kills the spider it gets it to build a "web of death". It is a completely different web to the one the spider normally makes but it is ideal for the larva to hang it's cacoon from. When it senses the spider has built the web, it kills and eats the spider. Then makes a cacoon. Right down the bottom of this page there is a picture of what the spider I caught looked like with it's "worm" living off it. It also has a link telling you more about the manipulative wasp. It's so cool.

No Deeper

I have noticed lately
That we don't see the same
Things I never imagined would offend
Offend

Microscope
You don't need that
To see my faults
They are plain
And numerous

So perhaps it would be better
If you didn't invent them
Where they aren't

You really can take
Some things
At face value
Instead of imagining
Some hidden insult

The last four years

When I look back
Some of the past still hurts
More then I thought it would
This far down the track
I remember some things with clarity
Some I just remember the dark feeling
And none of the fact surrounding it

I never imagined that i would allow
A deep enough infiltration of my defenses
To allow such hurt
But scars are what scars are
An important sign that we lived
And some perhaps are my own doing
For I was the perpetrator of misunderstanding
Unwittingly
But still surely
Setting up situations
That broke me
And my friends

Sometimes I long for simpler days
Stronger friendships
More understanding
But I realise now
That I look back
With rose-coloured glasses
And what I thought was simpler and happier
Was simply shallower
Filled with more masks

If we like each other now
At least we will be liking each other
Not a cleverly concocted lie
Perhaps now with more maturity
We can accept faults in each other

selfish

I haven't been here lately. Sadly I am at a point in my life where it is important that I be neglectful and selfish. Ignoring all I hold dear, like my friends. Just to get through this next month and a half. i must lock myself away.. It is lonely and cold but I think maybe just maybe I'm finding out stuff. Not always the things I'm supposed to be, but sometimes the things that matter.