I carved out an essay in the sand
I worked through all your fears
I poured out my sweat and a little of myself
I tried to make a difference that would last
But the tide came and washed it all away
And you can't remember why you are standing on a beach.


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Location:The tide

Ambulances without borders? I THINK NOT

New year's eve, possibly the worst day in the world to fall out of a tree and fracture your spine, my brother never had good timing. When I got a phone call telling me that my brother was being airlifted by helicopter to Lismore Base Hospital, I was concerned. He lives just inside NSW, and most of his closest hospitals are actually in Queensland.

After my brother had languished in Lismore hospital with suspected spinal fractures with so far no neurological involvement, being kept nil by mouth while he waited for his CT scan over 24 hours, I thought to get involved. Unfortunately, it turns out whilst doctors without borders exists, ambulances without borders does not, and that Queensland/NSW border is impenetrable.

I had a private neurosurgeon happy to take him, a private hospital happy to take him, you would think the overrun public hospital would be happy to be rid of him, but I was stonewalled. No, there is no way to get a patient across the border, sorry. Was there, I enquired an alternative? Could there perhaps be a private hospital in NSW I could get him transferred to? No, the doctor couldn't think of a single private hospital that could possibly have an on call after hours doctor.

They couldn't help him and they couldn't transfer him. Great.

I would like to thank the following people:
The radiologists - who apparently couldn't come in on a public holiday that they were on call for because a suspected spinal fracture of unknown severity didn't have neurological symptoms and therefore was non urgent and could wait 4 days. No idea yet if he needs surgery or not. Thank you. Thank you very much.
The QLD and NSW ambulance services - according to the hospital whilst doctors without borders exists throughout the world, ambulance without borders doesn't exist in Australia and there is no way to get a patient across the border.
Lismore Hospital and it's doctors - who apparently are so desperate for patients that even though this tax paying citizen did what the government requests and got private insurance so he didn't overburdern our strained resources, felt there was no possible private alternative available anywhere and they needed to keep him there even though they had no way of actually doing anything for him thanks to the first people I thanked

So as my brother comes up to 48 hours past the accident that had him helicoptered out of his home, leaving his wife with the 6 children including 6 week old twins and a farm full of animals to look after. I ask why do we all pay private insurance? because when it matters, when it really matters, when you want to get imaging and treatment quickly, you may as well be in prison, stuck by state borders and other ridiculous impediments.

Silence and contempt

I poured my heart out
And was met with the stony silence of your soul
Do I interpret this as contempt?
When did it come to this?
Where my distress wasn't worth a single word.
No whisper of breath escaped in reply
This is the carelessness of time.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Untended Heart

And as the words burn in my ears
I feel the slow burn of sadness again
Not so familiar a guest
It's been a long time since I let the tide take me under
But I feel it now
And for the first time in a long time
I feel, hollow and only sadness
All the light has dimmed
And I am struggling to break back to the surface
To the air and the light
To the joy and life
And I feel sick to my stomach, like the ground has been pulled from beneath my feet
How did I let this happen?
How was I crippled so quickly?
I must have left my heart unwatered for some time, for it took barely anything to suck the last bit of life from it.


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Fourth trimester

Joshua is 6 months old now and a beautiful happy content boy. Despite the fact that he fed all the time (at least every 2 hours even overnight) for the first 4 months it has seemed easier. I think this was because this time I embraced the natural reliance a baby has on it's mother more. It's all in the expectation.

Some people call the first 3 months after birth the fourth trimester. Babies take awhile to adjust to the new environment outside their mother's wombs and have to deal with hunger, being too full, too noisy, too quiet and not being constantly with someone. Our culture says you need to teach them from day one to be on their own and settle on their own and I don't think that is right. This time I was more prepared to hold him the first 3 months, to have him in our room, to be everything to him. This is natural and the way most cultures work. There were moments where I grew weary but over all a smoother ride and a happy baby.



















- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Springfield Lakes Blvd,Springfield Lakes,Australia

pikkolo for sale

First cuddles

Daddy in theatre, 20 minutes of age:



Mummy in recovery, not long after:



Xander up on the ward a little later that morning:

Joshua Elliot

Today I became a mum to another beautiful boy. Here we use our close baby carrier for skin to skin.

I attempted a VBAC but ended after 12 hours of labour and 10cm dilated in another emergency LUSCS. Once again bub's head just pounded the pelvis but never got below spines. When my obstetrician opened me up my previous scar was paper thin and he could see right in, so the decision to cut was a good one. Basically I got a live baby and he got a live mummy - yay, good outcome. Xander seemed to like his new brother, although the real test will be when we bring him home.

Anyway, dizzy with fatigue as has had no sleep overnight.

And how do you smooth the way? When the sun is yet to rise?
You take your small little hands and you use them to pull my face close to yours
And you cuddle and snuggle
You whisper to me in the not yet light of predawn
You run your hands along my arm, you touch my cheek
And what can I do? I am undone

The weekend

We popped up and visited Matt and Skye and the kids on the weekend, Xander had a great time (as did Matt and I).

4 yrs on

I still see those images
From That day
Float in front of me
Sometimes I wake at night
And they are there
And I breathe deep
And try to see
The years before that instead
The smiles
The fights
The tears
The laughter
The normalness
The life you lived

Dishes

The skills I learnt in medicine for compromise and triage come in very handy when trying to tackle a weeks worth of dishes in under 30 minutes. I realised it could only be achieved if I didn't wipe up (something I always realise no matter how many dishes there are as I so hate wiping up). If you don't wipe up you have to be able to achieve an engineering feat of height with the dishes you wash when you stack them in the drainer. Now wine glasses should never be involved in engineering feats of height, so I immediately discounted them from the dishes, they were not going to make the cut for getting clean on this run (they also on account of not being harder to wash up whether you leave them 7 or 14 days and never actually growing anything smelly are a low priority). I then stacked the dishwasher, cleaned the spare sink thoroughly so it could be used as overflow for the clean dishes and preceded. And I am very proud of today's feat. Clean dishes stacked wherever they could find space.

Matt is a scientist. If he had of been doing the dishes, he would have done the wine glasses. He would have wiped up as went, filling up the drainer, then drying the dishes in the same order he put them in so that the teatowel wouldn't get as wet because he'd do the ones that had been draining the longest first. He wouldn't have missed the dishes on the table he probably would have cleared the table. The benches and stove would be clean, he may have even done the grease trap things in the rangehood. If I didn't arrive home, he would look around at the beautiful perfect clean kitchen and realise now was a good time to make some new beef stock because he had sterilised the whole kitchen. By the time I got home there would be a new round of dishes to do.

Well Matthew and Xander must be nearly finished their 30 minute swimming lesson, so I will stop blogging and try and get the nappies ready for the day.

Unforgivable

This is for someone I know who's having a hard time, a song about the cycle of emotional abuse.

Merlo

Perhaps it's a sad reflection on my parenting but Xander loves trips to merlo. He runs there looks though the glass at the coffee and it ends in people fawning over him and giving him a babyccino. What's not to love.

Today was no exception and I got him to follow me back to the car because he could see I was carrying his babyccino. I got him to follow me right up to the point where I opened the car door. At that point he turn and ran the other direction when I stepped in front of him he ran back the other way. When I tried to pick him up he laid on the ground and laughed at me (which is preferrable to screaming but still trickier to pick him up). But I succeeded in getting him to the car and wanting him to feel getting in the car was actually something positive to look forward to I decided to risk disaster and let him have his babyccino on the drive home. I only ended up having to change his shirt so I consider that a success.

Stillness

The words float round my head
In circles, they take me nowhere
And sometimes I am simply lost in the rhythm of it all
Like a child in their make believe world
The conversations still unsaid
And I watch to see where it will lead

But in the end gravity pulls me back
And I am centered, far too centered, in the here and now
And I lose myself instead in the moments each day has
Trying to capture one to hold, when I am able

For now the way life blazes like a strong and steady flame
Is so busy and consuming I rarely find the time
To sit in just my silence, quiet, still and at peace
To hear the voice of wisdom and to feel that sweet warm breeze