Empty Space

You weren't holding me up
So you can't let me down
But certainly I feel:
Saddened
This is the way of things
We live our lives
We forget each other
And it doesn't matter
Where we are
Who we are
Ultimately
Someone will not be there
I don't blame you
For a condition
Merely known
As humanity
Anymore then I blame
The snake for it's venom
But the world is emptier
Then it's ever been
And the echoes return
Hollower then ever
And I'm not sure
If I feel free
If I feel lighter then I have before
Or if I feel heavier
With the weight of knowing
Empty space

Sorting through my music

Currently I am procrastinating by sorting through all the music I loaded from my cds to my imac before leaving home. You see I'm supposed to be unpacking boxes... Oh well! Some of the cds were compilations so the names of songs and artists didn't automatically download from the internet. As a result I was left with about 400 or so songs with no names (except for track xx). Some of these songs I don't even recognise and some of them I haven't heard for ages. Anyway.. I was just listening to this one by Jewel called "if this is what love is" and there's these lines in it I love:
"Somewhere between right and wrong is reality
Justice and shame speak foolishly of impractical things"

Okay, I shall stop just chattering on now:) Hope everyone is well. Skype me!!!

a Nude crisis/a new pet

So the movers came yesterday and this morning because I was sleeping on a mattress, I managed to sleep in. In fact I've only just got out of bed. But there were some clothes that I'd washed (or attempted to before the washing machine flooded the laundary!) and hung out on the line, and brought back inside in a little bag. So I decided I'd wear those, but in keeping with my new idea that I would try to be neat I thought I'd put them all in the cupboard. So in preparation for getting dressed for the day, I was naked. I took out the first few bras, to stuff into the hanging thing in the cupboard that we have from ikea, and the biggest fattest redback scurried out and went into one of the other little spots that has all my underwear in. :( So there I was naked and terrified of my underwear. I made a few phonecalls to brisbane, but I soon realised no one there was going to help me. Plus, I really wasn't in a fit state to be helped due to the clothing lack..... So bravely I delved back into the bag the redback had come from, shook out my clothes and got dressed. I then went to the kitchen and found a container to put the redback in. Unfortunately the only thing with a wide enough rim that I could find was the wonderful cocktail shaker that becky gave me (Sorry becky!). So I started pulling things out of the hangy thing, until I spotted the redback right above where I was doing that, and then I popped the cocktail shaker underneath her and caught her. I discussed my new pet with matthew, and in keeping with her container, we have decided to call her Bloody Mary. Here are some photos. The best i could manage with the imac's camera and a small moving creature.

Our Bloody Mary

Poor Oscar

Poor oscar is not in melbourne with me. I thought it was too big a trip for a little bird to take:( And I kind of miss him. I miss matthew too but he will be here soon, but the monster won't be. The monster is staying in Brisbane. This is an update of what the office looks like, now that the mac is on the desk and there is other furniture.



You can see on the top of the bookshelf my ducks from muppit in the background, my angel from grant and matthew's dissection kit for killing baby rats.

Playing

I have been out walking the streets of melbourne. It is chinese new year and I have been eating yummy food from street vendors. I have been to haighs and bought some yummy chocolate. I have bought groceries. I am very tired.
I have been playing with my camera.

I live in Melbourne

I now live in melbourne:) The rain is pouring down and it is beautiful. I am sitting in my empty little apartment. With my beautiful imac. Someday my furniture will arrive, and then it will only be a half empty little apartment:) The song that was on my computer when I turned it on was birds by lisa loeb, and a line from it goes "most of this room is empty, and the furniture that is left is rearranged" That's how it feels right now. Matt here is the photo for you, but it is dull because it is just the empty office, and I haven't got a great angle.

*A Quiet Skin*
There are many things that are unsaid
It is better this way
You will not understand
What I can't explain
We snap and bite and pick
As the rough edge of each other's bones
Rubs each other
And what I crave
Is a quiet skin

Home, sweet home

Well mum and my trip to Melbourne to locate a place for me to rent was successful. I have just had a call from the real estate agent saying our application was successful:) Unfortunately the place does not have airconditioning or a dishwasher, but these things happen. Importantly it is very close to the hospital and to public transport:) So hopefully my car will sit in the garage most of the time. When i was there, the search was very discouraging, with a lot of real estate agents appearing completely indifferent to whether places got rented. However the real estate agent who helped me have been wonderful.

Hope everyone is going well, I ship out Thursday or late wednesday.

Thicker then water

Forgetful
I did not realise
I should have been
Taking medicine
So here I am again
Hollow
Full of spaces
Which twist and squeeze
With a dull ache
And life seeps from me
Like water from stone

Party

I had a bit of a party here sunday night. There wasn't much furniture in the house, and my friends had fun playing with the cool effects you can do with the camera (which I discovered mostly the next morning)......

Zausted

I am exhausted, I am so tired, I've started using the word "zausted" to describe how I feel, because the ex is to much trouble. Packing and moving and packing and moving and packing and moving is endless. And no matter how much stuff you move out of your house, when you come back to it to do the next lot of packing and moving, there always seems to be the same amount of stuff left. I don't want to discourage anyone else, but I think I've finally discovered infinity.

Only one day left in which to do my last lot of packing and moving. But quite unfortunately, everyone has gone back to work. So tomorrow, I have lots of moving and packing to do *deep breath in* ON MY OWN ;( ;( *sob* I don't think I can cope. I think I'm going to throw everything left in the kitchen out. I mean, how much stuff can two people possibly need? Even matt's got to work, he just has lots of deadlines at the moment.

My mum helped me today, which was FANTASTIC. She was so focussed and she just started packing the kitchen systematically and effectively. But it's still a bloody mess in there with heaps of stuff, despite us working quite hard at it all day.

Officially my lease is at its end on Thursday. I was working to get everything out of the unit by tomorrow, because I have hired a cleaner wednesday *sigh of relief* I AM SO PLEASED I DON'T HAVE TO CLEAN - I'M JUST TOO TIRED! But I still would have stuff in the garage that I planned on moving out on wednesday while the cleaner worked upstairs.... Today, the body corporate has informed us that they are having someone come in and repave parts of the driveway on wednesday, and that for as long as it takes for the concrete to set we can't drive on it. This is not very helpful. I've lived there 2.5 years, and they've never done anything to improve the outside, I need to get in and out with my car to move, and now it's time to repave. I feel persecuted (my grade 10 teacher told me that I had a persecution complex, and I've done my best to water the little tree he planted).

I'm such a whinger. If anyone is bored tomorrow, come over and pack boxes and move them. I might even buy you an icecream.

An internal log

I found a poem I wrote during each term of my intern year, which was actually a reflection of some kind on my time in the hospital.

UROLOGY (29/3/05)
Sinking, solid ground, distant memory
XX an invisable combination of me
The Y-club sit together, they smile
I'm separated by less and more then a mile

Don't always know what I should do
I just know not to phone you
My hiding place less then ideal
No way to reflect on what I feel

It's not been bad but it's not good
Two weeks left, I'd skip them if I could
Working for, but not part of the team
Nobody with whom to let out steam

GERIATRICS (15/4/05)
Treking across a terrain
Of life and death
And treacherous inbetween
Sorting through
Salvagable from the unsalvagable
The reward
Like anyone in antiques
Is in the restoration
The realisation
That being old
Does not decrease something's value
But increases it
If you have the ability to appreciate
The value of age

EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT (17/7/05)
The sharp teeth of slumber
Bite deeply into my mind
With an insistent dizziness
That make me weak and blind

Night and day irrelevant
To this uncertain guest
Making horizontal my goal
And soft repose my quest

MENTAL HEALTH (14/10/05)
Fragile life
Hold it in your hands
Everybody does
When will the lights go out?
Touch the flame
Will it burn tomorrow?
Or will this wave of sorrow,
Extinguish all hope

Decision time
To dive and be involved
Or to use a light touch?
So your fingerprints aren't there
Who knows?
But be careful either way
What you do and say
You might be the last one there

GENERAL SURGERY (Breast and endocrine) (dec 05)
Cut me till I bleed
Expose to you my flesh
Dissect down to the nerve
Learn the truth afresh

Paralyse my voice
Or leave my words intact
Send away my organs
To prove disease a fact

Consumer

I am moved
By the sight of my own selfishness
For I want so much
And lack for nothing
We are disconnected
All of us
From each other
Means of communicating
Increase daily
But communication
Is on the decline
Divided
By our common desire
For always more

UPDATE on exit interview

I sent the people in med education an email saying I was disappointed that I had not received the exit interview they spoke of. So they organised one at the last minute on friday afternoon. It was interesting watching them feign interest in what I said (whilst trying to pass the blame on to someone else in the department). I told them pretty much exactly what is written here, except I tried to use non accusatory psych type speak (eg. "whether it's true or not, the general feeling amongst all the junior doctors is that they can't trust anyone in this office"), trying to use my "we feel" not my "you are" terminology.

Now probably my little blurb below may lead people to believe I did not have a good year. Overall I think I still had a good year, but that was thanks to the people I got to work with personally in my wards and that I mostly enjoy my job, not thanks to the medical education people. I was probably one of the least shafted people (apart from having annual leave first), but that was luck, once again no thanks particularly due to the administration. Mostly I felt bad for the people amongst the junior doctors, a lot of whom I know personally, who have been dealt with particularly badly and who will be staying and putting up with it all over again. Many of the people who are staying, regret that decision already, and are considering looking for a new job

GOOD NEWS: whilst packing I found the right arrow key that Oscar stole:) It was up behind the soundsystem:) Haven't quite managed to reattach it yet, but I'm still excited.

1 year gone

Today, Friday 13th, is my last day as an intern. There is much happiness in my heart. I'm sure it will be the same shit in a different place next year, but i think I'm ready for the new scenery.

I was supposed to get an exit interview. A chance to sit down and tell the medical education unit why there is a doctor crisis in queensland health. However, the medical education people are obviously not interested. So here is my exit interview:

Queensland health does not inspire loyalty in it's staff. It makes it clear from day 1 that you are meaningless to them, and that all they care about is getting their money's worth out of you. They make no attempt to accomodate the needs of their staff, even when it is simple and do-able (For example when one staff member wanted to do more rural terms, a term which every other junior doctor does their best to avoid, they are told they can't do more rural terms. Why? Because the medical education people would have had to consider the roster). If helping you have the holidays you want, or the rotations you want, involves the medical education people writing one email, they will consider that too much trouble and they will not do it. When asking staff to suddenly change their roster and take on extra shifts, they are impolite and unbending. If for instance you were to say "actually I've booked a holiday for those days, considering it's only 2 weeks away", their response is not "let's see who else is available", their response is "this isn't a choice this is your job, who do you think you are, you'll do what you are told".

Is it wrong for us to plan holidays? They won't compensate us for the expenses we've paid when they suddenly change the rosters. Are we supposed to keep our life on hold for the entire time we work for the hospital? They do not care for their junior doctors, and they make this abundantly clear with every action they take. However they are making a mistake. It is true that as interns, we are bound to complete our year with the hospital we started with, so they can abuse us as much as they like, and we will complain, but we can't leave and we can't really do anything about it. But as they discovered, second year doctors can and do quit, and it is as a direct result of how we are treated that we walk away from this system.

I remember clearly my first day here. I complained to some interns, Junior house doctors and registrars, about getting my holidays as my first rotation, but reflected that someone had to have their holidays then, and I'm sure the medical education unit had done their best. The response was outright laughter. I was told in no uncertain terms that they would not have tried at all, they would have done whatever was easiest for themselves. I was also told many stories, at all levels about how they would be polite to my face, but that they were not to be trusted. How they would promise you things in exchange for your help, but never follow through. That anything they said to me, I should ask for in writing.

This is the reason Queensland Health is in the state it is in. Junior doctors have no one watching their back (the union being somewhat of a joke compared to real industrial unions). They do not have a healthy relationship with the hospital administration. There is no trust and loyalty, and there is nothing to put our trust or loyalty in. The system will continue to break down, so long as junior doctors are given the impression by administration that they are expendible labour, with no rights.

END RANT