Falling, failing, flailing

I was standing there
When the earth just fell from beneath my feet
And the whole world disappeared
In a cloud of disappointment
This time round
I am not so happy
To accept the inevitable
So I add to the humidity
With my tears

Missing Out

Didn't see the leaves march pass
Their progression of colours
Didn't see the plants dress themselves
With flowers, bees and butterflies
Didn't see the sky go dark
And light and grey
Didn't see the stormclouds roll in
And take the dust away
-----
At least if I had of been studying the way I should have been studying that would all be true. But the fact of the matter is that I spent some time outside photographing some flowers. And I met a little bearded dragon sitting on a bush. But I still do feel I've missed the turning of the seasons a little this year, spent much too much time inside!

Yesterday I met the biggest blue tongue I've ever seen - he was so big he didn't even pretend to be scared of me. He just waltzed across the road (as much as any lizard waltzes) hissing as he came (walking right towards us) to tell us to move. When I tried to slow him down so Jett and Jasmine could have a look at him, which I did by holding the little cardboard box I had in front of him, he just kept walking and knocked it aside with his nose as if to say, not only am I undeterred, but I'm not even going to acknowledge your existence. He didn't hurry along, but nor did he allow himself to be stopped. When he got to his destination (a garden with some bushes) he turned, looked at us puffed himself up a little (mostly because Jett was sticking his face right down next to the blue tongues saying look at the lizard, look at the lizard) and hissed a little, than just started exploring the garden.

Todays favourite song

No surprises here considering my current life (studying the countdown is at 5 days till exams)

Out of my Depth by Everclear
Out of my depth, Lost in the air
Falling faster, Like a broken elevator
Out of my depth, Lost in the dark
Waiting for the other shoe, To come down hard

I cannot communicate, Like I wish I could
I do not deal with my problems, Like I know I should
I am out of my depth, I am out of my league
Watching everything...just, Slip away from me

Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it deep inside
There are shadowsall around me, Like a bad moon on the rise
I am in over my head, I am in too deep here over my head
I guess I should keep my opinions to myself, I guess I am out of my depth,

Out of my depth, Right from the start
I feel like I was born, With an invisible heart
Out of my depth, Seems like everyday
I can't find the words, To make the good things Come my way

I feel like I am faking it, I feel like I am wrong
I feel like I'm a guest... like I just do not belong
I am out of my depth, Every single day
I just cannot find the words, To make my monsters go away

Something bad isgoing to happen, I can feel it deep inside
There are shadowsall around me, Like a bad moon on the rise
I am in too deep hereover my head, I should seek some professional help
Because I'm out of my depth, Yes, I'm out of my depth
And I am slowly going out of my mind
Oh, go away, Make them go away
Someday I knowI will make them go away

In the storm

These are days when a smile costs more then you can give
There are days when there are things that are too hard to forgive
There are times when living just seems to be too hard
There are times when the hurt others cause is too much to disregard
And how can I tell you how, just how I feel right now
And even if I could would you understand somehow

There are burdens that will crush you till you're just above the ground
There are dreams you will chase till you're nowhere to be found
There's a life you can't live no matter how hard you try
Sometimes all you can do is to break down and cry
And how can I tell you how, just how I feel right now
And even if I could would you understand somehow

I wish I could walk away from all that's crushing me
But there is more to this life than simply being free
And there's a price you must pay to be who you want to be
And there's are joys in the storm sometimes we're too blind to see
And I can't tell you how, just how I feel right now
But somehow I sense it doesn't matter anyhow

Self Pity

Was there ever a sea so deep
Or full of such bitter salt
Was there ever a person
Who tried so hard to drown their rescuers
Only one place can bring
Such tears of bitter frustration
Such overwhelming fears of helplessness
A mire so thick and paralysing
Self Pity

one near perfect thing

New favourite song, by "belle and sebastian", a british group
"If I could do just one near perfect thing I'd be happy
They'd write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes"

Very cool little song, kind of happy and yet not. Actually, the whole CD is kind of quirky and cool, there's a few others, that could swap to being my favourite in a moment. I wonder what their other cds are like? Maybe I'll buy some of them (next year when I get a job)....

*Ode to My Friends*
When the strings drop away
I flop
Like the puppet I am
Incapable
Of independent study
****
Hopefully you're all doing better my med friends - try not to think about how it's only 8 days til MSAT.....

SWATVAC

Is the world falling or am I?
Am I just crashing from the sugar high?
Do you all feel this too?
I'm so much more numb than blue!
But my skin still crawls away
When I lie down at the end of the day
And I'm left shivering and aware
Of the evil failure in the air

The Beast

Sometimes I think that Knowledge
Is a beast
At who's altar
I have sacrificed too much

Spring Roll People

Last night I had a dream that I was at a spring roll festival. All the girls were dressed up as spring rolls (well I think they literally had spring roll pastry on them). And they were trying to win a prize for the most beautiful spring roll. They were sitting around having conversations that went like this:
Springroll girl 1: I don' t think I could ever eat a spring roll again. Not that I know how it feels to be one, I think it would just be wrong - you know?
Springroll girl 2: I know how you feel. It'd be kind of like eating yourself. Plus I never realised before what spring rollsl have to go through - I mean all the rolling in the ocean
Springroll girl 3: I don't know, I think maybe I could eat a vegeterian springroll - so long as I knew it was from a different part of the country - I feel like I know all the local springrolls now.
Springroll girl 4(which also happened to be me): They'll go extinct if we don't eat them!

Seriously it just went on and on in this inane little "is it eating ourselves?" way. Then there was this initiationn that everyone had to do, where you let these big ocean waves carry you away and they eventually take you to Wisdom's houseboat and you have to blow out her kerosene lamp and then throw yourself back in the water, and if you did it right, the waves take you close enough back to the sure to be dragged back in. Unfortunately when I did it, I tried to blow it out but i accidently pulled part of the bottom off and kerosene went all over the floor and caught on fire, so I went to the front door and I threw the lamp off the boat, then I went back and tried to put the fire out with a wet teatowel (I think I succeeded). Then I threw myself off the boat - I got back to shore, but no thanks to the people there.

Things get very confusing in my dreams. Later on in it I got into a big fight with four of the parents from this children's performance (two of them it was because I booed their children and one of them it was because the parent thought I deliberately tripped him over - but I swear it was an accident).

Oh well. It's sad when nothing is happening in your real life so you have to update your blog with what happened when you were asleep...

Manipulative Wasp

My little manipulative wasp came out of his cacoon, he flew around in his container, he was beautiful. He had orange wings, and his little bum bit was black and white stripes. When he got mad he curled his stinger round under his abdomen to get ready to strike. So I transferred him to a more photographical container (we'll see how those turned out!). Took a few photographs, then set him free:) He was cute. It was all very exciting. Much more exciting than studying for my exam tomorrow. Which still hasn't happened. It's what I'm doing now (or supposed to be). So I'd better go.

Whitlams

Went to a free Whitlams concert last night - it was so good. The Whitlams write such good music. I guess my favourite song that they played was "The curse stops here". Unfortunately not on the album I bought... Will have to look for it. Some of the other songs were pretty good. There were all the ones I already knew plus some of their new album.. There was one song that went "She laughs to easily, and cries too hard" It was very good. Okay. I'll stop boring everyone now. I'd better go study.

Patient

I am slowly
Crumbling
My ears
Cease to hear
And I realise
You spoke
Soundlessly
Ignored by me
Because
My mind
Was too weary
To soak in
These words

Defending the Med School?

Have aliens stolen my brain? So here's the email I just sent my friends, and after it, the letter I'll be sending to the editor at semper:

There's a semper article saying we're all whores sleeping with the pharmaceutical industry (actually it doesn't say that at all, but it's a big article and I feel like that's the gist). It also said we don't get lectures about the right way to be whores (I must point out right here and now that the word whores was never actually used in the article but it did say we were in bed with them and where I come from....). Now I don't know if you've noticed but I'm the queen of procrastination, so I have fashioned a reply (DEAR GOD I'M DEFENDING THE ETHICS COMPONENT OF THE COURSE - in my own special way). Just wanted to run it past you guys. It'll be a "letter to the editor" so it can't be too long... wondered if I should see if Mal wanted to write them a letter too:) He's probably not procrastinating over exams though. By the way my basic argument is that all students are whores, not just us (and once again, I never actually use the word whore).

LETTER:
Re: Med Students and Drug Companies: The Great Courtship
It’s nothing personal but your whole article is flawed, however I only have 10 minutes of procrastination time available so I can’t go over everything. You say we don’t get any lectures dealing with these issues. Now I’ve missed a few lectures but even so, I’ve been exposed to lectures on this topic. Lectures and resources entitled things like "The commercialisation of medicine", "Ethical guidelines in the relationship between physicians and the pharmaceutical industry", "healthy scepticism", and their have even been exam questions on the topic.

You should be congratulating us, not criticising. Every poor university student knows that it is their absolute duty to get as much free stuff (including meals and pens) as possible – it’s called milking the system. Don’t be jealous because we’re so good at it – see us as leaders – follow. Also you seemed to disbelieve our ability to tune them out – I can assure you 7 years of lectures and I’m the queen of tuning people out (which recently has been wreaking havoc in every single type of relationship I have). Unfortunately time and space stop me from having an argument with you my lectures would approve of (using ethics buzz words like autonomy, informed consent etc), but hopefully you’ll still get the message – do more research.
************************

Seriously, I hate the med school - why am I defending them? They've done nothing except screw us over for the past four years (oh and sort of teach us how to be doctors - to be fair they've tried to do that)! Talking of which I asked my sister who is a scientist who works in haematology looking at blood films all day to look at some blood films from past papers and answer their questions... She said there was no way you could tell the kind of things they were asking for from those blood films... great what chance do we have!!!!!

Etch

Etch, etch, etch
To try and leave a mark
But this world is made of steel
And we are trying to carve with chalk

Forgive Well

You don't forgive well
Perhaps none of us do
But every past wrong you feel
Real or imagined
Surfaces too easily
Till it is hard to remember
That you aren't angry with me

You say things to offend
And it is hurtful
When you use such spite
For no apparant reason
I don't have the same
Ghosts as you

But I am begging
All that is in the past
Let it lie there
Don't drag out the tired bones
Of failure to flaunt