Babies

I forgot to say, that on the tenth of February, my brother's guinea pig had three little baby guinea pigs!!! They were really cute!!! I have a photo that I took with my phone of them - so it's crap quality, but still they're cute.

And Then

Suddenly
I was crying
Big hysterical gasping crying
So I went to the shower
Where my tears would be
Surrounded
By thousands of tear drops
And I sat there
Gasping in water and air
And waited
For the wave to pass
Then I held out my hand
And if you hadn't been there
I don't know how
I would ever have stood up

The thing about Grief is

Well sometimes at horrible times in your life, strange things start going through your head. In particular for the last week I've had this song stuck in my head by Clare Bowditch called "The thing about Grief is". Unfortunately for me and everybody around me, I only know one line of the song, which is "The thing about grief is, few people know that the I goes before the E". Which neither makes particular sense as a statement (except of course that it is the correct spelling), or is particularly moving (although is far better then me singing "empty chairs and empty tables" from Les Mis which was also stuck in my head). So for all the people who tolerated me floating about the house, occasionally breaking into "the I goes before the E", here are the full lyrics to the song.

*The Thing About Grief Is" by Clare Bowditch
The thing about grief is
It knows what I did and
It knows what I did not say.
It sentenced me to a life of excavating
Things my little head can not understand
But I patched it all together with string and rubber bands.

The thing about grief is
Few people know that the I goes before the E
And it's hard to give away because it's
The last thing you gave to me.
I've scrambled it together and
Collaged it in a lighted frame
Sometimes I'm scared to speak your name.

Ooh you were young a beautiful
You should have grown to be old
Like I'll grow old - no you will not.
You left me here to join the dots
I'm gonna speak them.

The thing about grief is
It took what I loved and it buried her deep away.
It makes no sense but it's interesting in it's own way.
Some days I still assume I'm gonna see your face again
But I always assume.

The thing about grief is
It gets kind've boring for the
People who don't yet know.
Your friends - some they will wander off and
Most will wish you'd just move on sister.
But black is the colour 'cause it
Doesn't seem to have an end
I've heard it changes and
You'll make new friends.

Oooh - you were young a beautiful.
You should have grown to be old
I will grow old, no you will not.
You left me here to join the dots.
I'm gonna speak them
*************************************

Thanks

I know the right thing to do would be to respond to the individual emails, sms's and phonecalls I got, but tonight the right thing seems too hard. So I just want to say thank you to everyone for their sympathetic thoughts, wonderful prayers and kind words.

For Her

I'm scared
That they'll judge me
That I'll speak
And they'll tell me
I didn't try hard enough
I didn't love good enough
I didn't have time enough
They'll say I'm a fraud
They'll be angry
For her

Listen to Music

Sky Is Falling by Lifehouse (acoustic version)
I watch as the daylight crawls
Past the shadows hanging on the walls
Its been a long time since I felt the stains
Of yesterday getting in my way

Im alive but tell me am I free
Ive got eyes but tell me can I see
The sky is falling and no one knows
We shouldnt be hard to believe
Shouldnt be this difficult to breathe
The sky is falling and no one knows

You leave me hanging on
I need to catch my breath
Ive got you and Ive got nothing left
Dont leave me all alone down here
With myself and all of my fear

Im alive but tell me am I free
Ive got eyes but tell me can I see
The sky is falling and no one knows
We shouldnt be hard to believe
Shouldnt be this difficult to breathe
The sky is falling and no one knows
No one knows
No one knows

Im alive but tell me am I free
Ive got eyes but tell me can I see
The sky is falling and no one knows
We shouldnt be hard to believe
Shouldnt be this difficult to breath
The sky is falling and no one knows
The sky is falling and no one knows
The sky is falling and no one knows

Unexpected

Unexpected
In the most expected way
Something we worried about for 19 years
We lived with the fear so long
We grew complacent
It seemed
It would not happen
That perhaps our fear
Was unfounded
And certainly
It should not have happened

There is no comfort
We pretend there is
But just like the comfort
Job's friends offered him
It is a cold, cold comfort
What good is it knowing she is happy
For we are abandoned
And unhappy

Because of February 9

Yesterday
Grief came with an icecream scoop
And hollowed out my heart
Turning my limbs to lead
And my eyes bled
My mind shut down
Only my stomach
Understood
And it churned
And burned
And tied knots
Within me
Trying to understand
The unfathomable

THE MOVE

It was very stressful packing whilst doing my last days of working in Melbourne. For instance, the movers actually came and took everything away on the thursday I was working my last day... I was quite happy to come home and find they had actually come. I arrived in Brisbane on Friday, and on saturday drove to Nambour, got the keys to the place, had a look around and drove back to brisbane. Matt arrived on Sunday afternoon having driven the car back, Sunday night I went to a resort for my training days. I had this dream that the stuff would arrive and be unpacked by the time I got to Nambour Tuesday night...

Drama 1: There was a silo fire in NSW and the train through there got shut down for 48 hours... our stuff was coming by train (for some reason our stuff didn't actually arrive until the monday after we moved in).
Drama 2: Our fridge didn't fit in the fridge space at the new place, so we're using the small fridge that we had in Melbourne... very sad
Drama 3: I bought a new very expensive bed, it is an ensemble... the bottom wouldn't go up the stairs, so we couldn't get it into the bedroom (we had to organise for them to make us as split base ensemble - still hasn't arrived)

The weather was awful for the first few weeks here, humid and horribly hot.

There were lots of small dramas along the way of all of those, which Matthew remembers better then me, because I went to work and pretended not to know about them!! Things like the real estate agent wanting to clarify the condition report after we wrote lots of things on it, the movers putting scratches in our big fridge and bending the legs on our little fridge, not being able to turn the stove on (turns out that in a completely separate part of the kitchen there was hidden an on button for it).

Anyway that was that and now we are here. Why I haven't posted for so long? No internet at home until now. That's the other thing, iburst doesn't have coverage here so I don't have instant internet like I did in melbourne - I had to get a phoneline!!!

A week or so after we moved here we finally got "our" computer. The our is inverted commas because apple had to give up trying to fix ours and eventually give us a new one, which is a bit of a pain as my scanner won't work with the newer imac (it being intel, can't run classic, I need classic for the scanner). Don't even get me started on the whole computer saga, that will have to wait, lets just say "customer service" my &^%ing foot!!

GP land - my first three days were everything the doctors in emergency said it would be - tears and smears. I didn't mind though, and things have settled down and I see lots of different things, and I feel quite overwhelmed!!! Eventually, I hope to know an answer.

Weekends - first weekend back went to Noosa where matt's family were staying, drank aged wine, ate steak with green peppercorn sauce, swam in the ocean. Second weekend we went four wheel driving with Matt and Becky and ate yummy food, swam at the beach, fished at the beach and swam at the beach some more. This weekend just passed, I drove to brisbane, saw my family, saw Tim and Fi, and went fishing at the gold coast with my brother. I am very, very sunburnt. I wore a long sleave shirt to work so patients wouldn't point at me and laugh.

Internet

I have finally got the internet up and running in Nambour. Will have to go to work very shortly, but I hope I will be able to update you with my latest in moving sagas and starting in GP-land. Plus I need to read what's been happening in everyone's life!!!