Sometimes

Sometimes
My stomach aches
With a sadness
Of unknown origin
My bones are ignorant
Of it's meaning
And my heart is yet to feel
It's impact
But my stomach knows
And it aches and aches
With the knowing
Separate
From the rest of me

New Mobile phone

I know it's sad but I just have to say, I got a new mobile phone, and it is quite pretty. It is a nice thin little flip phone (which I wasn't going to get because I'm convinced flipphones just break but it was pretty so what could I do?). Really I am a sucker for technology stuff, and seeing as this came free with renewing of contracts and all that stuff that was going to be done anyway...

Good news is it has a "no" key. My last phone lost its "no" key in an unfortunate contact-with-the-ground incident (Do you remember the searching outside your house Becky?). Now I have the power to say NO.

Unfortunately I don't think all my contacts were saved on my SIM. Some are back on my old phone... Hopefully at some point I will get up the will power to fix that. I don't actually have that power right now (I'm feeling rather lazy). But I'm sure it will come back to me. That's all for now. Nothing else exciting to tell.

Nice Nurse

A few nights ago at work I was on an evening shift, and it was horribly busy. As a result I didn't manage to take a break at all. No dinner. Nothing. Then one of the nurses got me an apple juice. Which was very nice of her indeed! Although it may have been because they'd just had to send one of the nurses home because she became hypoglycaemic and in her confusion told all the patients (at 930pm) to start packing up because they could all go home. Then all the patients required much reassurance that in fact they were staying. So probably she didn't want me running around saying crazy things, making her job harder. Still it was nice.

Listen

You need to listen to a song to really appreciate it, but I can't play the music through this site, I can only post lyrics, and hope it sparks an interest. Not everything Ani DiFranco does is great listening (although generally I'd call myself a fan), but this song really is a great song, and if you listen to it, certain lines really hit you. Here are the lyrics, but you need to listent to it.

*Not A Pretty Girl* by Ani DiFranco

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i don't want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl

Sorry Matt

Matt is officially banned from being the person who checks the TV guide on the internet. He told me there is nothing on the TV tonight, so we didn't really watch TV (well actually we watched Doc Martin because I was intrigued by a show based on a surgeon who suddenly hates the sight of blood and becomes a GP - and I was right, when it's british, it's bound to be quite funny because lets be frank - if you say it with a british accent - it's witty). Anyway the point is The Hulk is on tonight. Now I'm not claiming that's quality TV, but it's a movie I haven't seen and kind of wanted to (no matter how bad it may be!) and Matt said there wasn't anything on!!! I feel sort of duped, you can be sure why he told me there was nothing on!!!!!

Camera View

Step back
Step forward
Either way
You may enjoy the scene more

Take in the view
The sweeping majesty
Of the whole picture
Or look closely
At the intensity
Of detail contained
In the tiniest part of your world

But don't stay still
Trapped into believing
Life is mundane

The Zoo

Yesterday Matt and I bought a year's pass to Melbourne Zoo. We wandered around for a while. Then there was a twilight thing on where you could sit on the grass and listen to some live music. It was a nice way to spend a friday afternoon:) There are still a few animals we didn't manage to see. I insisted on going to the birds, the reptiles, the frogs and the bugs. So next time I guess we'll do the other animals they have.... We did manage to also see the african hunting dogs at feeding time, and I have to say, if I were going to have a dog, I'd want one of them (although I'm not sure that's permitted). They were very cute with their giant ears and pretty with their coloured patchy fur. Plus they seemed fairly intelligent, but they're a bit yappy for big dogs!

Hope life is going well for everyone.

The Bird

Sometimes I feel
The flutter of a bird inside my chest
Pounding at my ribs
It's wings beat beneath my breast

Sometimes I feel
It try to rise out of my throat
Trying to be free
To sing all the songs the poets wrote

Of dirt and soil

I like dirt
I like dust sliding between my toes
Like the chalk a gymnast uses
I like to feel my feet have been somewhere
I do not like to feel them unfolding from their cocoon
Ignorant of the journey

I like soil
I like to feel it under my nails
To smell the smell of fresh damp earth
Of life recycling upon itself
Death and life feeding each other
In a dance that is older then I

1st week paediatrics

Well who knew I knew so little about children? Honestly I feel like I'm right back at the beginning. I look at them and I think where do I start? What should I do? I was peed on three times the other day by the bubs in the special care nursery. That took some of the cuteness factor out of them (they are kind of cute when they're so little that they're fairly quiet, until they pee on you).

All of this is not helped by the fact that I'm in a new hospital and a new state and the system is different. Different med charts, different obs charts, different path forms, different path system. Actually the only thing that is the same is the xray system.

We get called to all caesareans and instrument births and high risk births in case the bub needs resusc. I have to be supervised for my first three resusc's then I'm on my own. Scary.

I am too sleep to write too much. I know I haven't written much for awhile, I have been slack, but starting back at work is kind of tiring it turns out.

Hope everyone is well.

Conclusions

I found this written in one of my notebooks when I was sorting through some of my stuff.

_Conclusions_
My stomach burns with frustration
At the slow clickety-clack of your brain
As it meanders
With tentative baby steps
To a conclusion
I had already written
On the mountains

On the other hand

On the other hand, now I can't go and sit and their store and drink coffee and yell like a crazy person and scare their customers... I was so looking forward to that!

My Brother - the hero

Well who would have thunk it! But my brother, tonight, is my hero. He made the evil people come and give me my money and take their evil washing machine and fridge:) YAY. He rang them all during the morning and told them they had to come and get it or he was going to call consumer affair victoria (except they may have misheard him and thought he was consumer affair) and so tonight they came ("broken" van and all) and took it away:) He even had to turn off the thing where people can see your phone number because they stopped answering his calls!
*little dance for joy*
Yay:)
no more big lumps of stuff that doesn't work (unless you count the futon that sort of broke when I was putting it together) sitting in my flat taking up space.
*more joy dances*

THIS BE MY BROTHER (THE HERO) AND MY NIECE (they are in brisbane):

Finest Unreliable Friend

Here is a song by Claire Hazzard that I have been listening to, my favourite song this hour.

*Finest Unreliable Friend* Claire Hazzard
You were not there for me
Like you said you would be
You let me down time and again
You made promises
I've never seen the light of
You drove this girl around the bend

But at least I can rely on you
To not do what it is you say you're gonna do
And never ever see a journey through
So we both know where we stand

chorus: You're the finest unreliable friend I've ever had
And I wouldn't swap you for the world or ever treat you bad
You're the finest unreliable friend I've ever known
So I won't try to tie you down 'cause you're better off on your own

When troubles come my way
I've known you to say
I'm right by your side and then you disappear
Well I want you to know
That where ever it is you go
I'm mostly happy to stay right here

But at least I can rely on you
To not do what it is you say you're gonna do
And never ever see a journey through
So we both know where we stand

chorus

Well I know you think you're smart
And some would say you're pretty
But I can see right through that all
So as the waters rise
And you are losing ground
I'll try to catch you as you fall

chorus

Week 1

Struggle
Every step of the way
Learn the meaning
Of being one
And know the anger
The burning frustration
Of being only in control
Of you
Feel the sharp sting
Feel the slow burn
Of one person
Letting go

SOOOOOOO ANNNNGGGRRRYYY

I am physically shaking with rage. I am sooooo angry. Totally having a temper tantrum. I finally got onto pricerite (STAY AWAY FROM PRICERITE, BOXHILL AT ALL COSTS) and they are like oh, the truck's not working. I said well did it occur to anyone to call me and let me know they weren't coming? Did it occur to you to reply to any of the approximately 20 messages I have left for you? And they're not at the store, so no I can't come and get my money now, and they might be able to come tomorrow, why don't I sit at home again waiting for someone who'll never come and waste another 3-4 hours of my life!!!!! It's all bull, they're never going to come. I have a fridge being delivered today and they may or may not, move the old fridge for me:( If the truck was broken why did they tell me they could deliver it on tuesday?? Just to make me wait for nothing. Stuff it, I'm so angry I can't even put a sensible paragraph together. They're just stuffing me around for their own amusement. If the fridge and washing machine aren't picked up tomorrow, they are going to be sorry. I don't know anyone in melbourne and I am quite happy to sit outside their store drinking coffee and telling all their potential customers what they are like. It will be fun.

Well my unpacking has gone fairly well. The house looks like a complete disaster area, which must indicate that I have successfully unpacked all the boxes. I have always struggled a little more with the concept of putting things in their right spot. I am currently engaged in a struggle with some second hand goods dealers (don't buy from pricerite in box hill) who sold me a washing machine and fridge which doesn't work. They have given me $300 back but still owe me $100, but more importantly still need to come and collect the crap gear that doesn't work so I can actually put something that does work in that space!!!!! I am starting to get pretty angry about it because two nights in a row they have said they would come and pick it up and so I have waited at home all night and they haven't shown up! It's starting to feel malicious, so it is my plan to get my $100 and then see if I can somehow get the stuff onto the street for them to pick up at their own convenience (or for anyone else to pick up!). We'll see how I go. Yesterday afternoon they left their phone off the hook from 5pm onwards so I had no way of contacting them.