8 years

I blinked and eight years passed
But part of me is stuck
Holding that telephone
Hearing those words
Sliding down that tunnel of disbelief
Letting go
Feeling the impact
Of the soft thud
Of every heartbeat inside me
Knowing that her heart no longer beats

How Careless

How did the air leave so quietly and carelessly from your lungs?
What stopped your heart and let your blood pool in mottled patterns on your skin?
Why did you leave us standing agape at the fragility of life?
So we stayed and you left
And we tidied, and we boxed things all up
And it's 7 years now
We have a whole generation, who only knows you through your photos
How careless of you, not to stay and meet them
How careless of you, not to keep your heart beating
How careless of you, not to keep breathing
How careless to step out of this life with no warning

No Exemptions

Death and injustice
All of the sadness
There is dreaming and hope
Lying in a ditch

And I ran away
And tried to escape
From the pointless disease
Of humanity

Judgements and pain
Instead of kindness
There are no exemptions
We all bear this cross

Waste

It is a waste of time
To see a void
And step up
To help
To pull someone out of the ditch
Because all that will happen
Is the crowd will see the empty ditch
And try to push you in there instead
Instead of hands that help
Instead of considering each other
All people do
Is hold onto grievances
That have nothing to do with you
And somehow make you responsible for them
And I should know better
I've been here
I've done this
I've had this realisation before
It's not worth it.



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Alone.

I am so surrounded
By the kind of love some people only dream of
But when these emotions sweep down on me
I am alone
So Alone

I hear cars drive past
I hear frogs singing
Insects noisy enough to drive anyone mad
But tonight I'm grateful for any crazy company

What gave you the right?
To give up all your pain?
And leave it at my feet
With all our words unsaid.

I will tell you now
I am so fucking angry
That you took your last breath
Before we finished all our conversations
Before we figured out
We could have made being sisters work



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Every Parent's Fear

Dear Sister
Still sometimes, the pit of my stomach bottoms out
And a wave comes over me
I am not immune
And I hold my children closer
And I pray that they will stay
Much longer on this earth than me
I pray that I will get to see them grow
And I think of you
And what we've all missed
And today I feel sick
For some reason I can't bring any of the good memories to the front
All I can see is you lying there
Still and empty
Every parent's fear

Night air

And I cannot sink you in
And have you join me here
You have moved into a place
Where you can't even hear

And the tears are there as always
And the night air is real and right
But we are secretly excited
By the caving of the fight.
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Grey Fences

And I will stand here
While the storms rage all around
And I will sway, but I will not break
I believe in right or wrong
But I cannot commit people to either category
So don't ask me to say that I will stand
On either side of the fence
That I am intent on tearing down
Just join me, and pick apart each nail
And lets take every piece of wood
And instead lets build something
A shelter to keep us all safe
No matter where we stand

Hard

And it shouldn't be this hard
Where did the wrong turn come?
I should be able to live easier
I want for nothing.
How can I get back to basics?
Unencumber my life of stuff?
And bury my feet back into the soil.



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This Moment

And in this moment
I feel alone
And isolated
Because how can I do anything but internalise
All the questions
Remain unanswered
And inside the whirlwind of turmoil
Spins round and round
And outside I keep up the facade
Of calmness
I have no idea where to reach to
Or who to reach for
And it's all just waiting waiting waiting
Waiting for answers

Gentle

And you say you want to raise your child gently and without judgement
That you want to show them compassion and understanding
Did you know your children watch you all the time?
Not just when you are directing your attention at them?
When you talk to other parents are you gentle?
Do you remember this whole parent thing is a hard gig, and we're all doing our best?
Or do you judge them because the world is so black and white, and they don't meet your ideals?
Your children are watching
They will do as you do
They will live as you live
Be gentle with me too
I am so tired of the drama and the judgement
So tired of the opinions
So tired of the articles
So tired of being told what I should and shouldn't do as a parent
I fail, I stuff up
But what I want most of all, is to try to live in the moment with my children
To find the joy in the journey
And teach them to do the same.

Chicken Pox

Xander has Chicken pox:( he is holding up quite well but I'm trying to prevent us all getting cabin fever so we're out for a walk which is just what the doctor ordered.




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Walking

Afternoon walks with my children make me feel so blessed.

Monkey see

Here's a photo from a little while ago when Xander decided to wrap his doll onto his back to carry it. Too cute.


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Summer afternoons

Yesterday the boys had a lovely time Falling all over grandpa.