Dear Victoria

Dear Victoria,
A few things I'd like to bring up before I leave. Good things and bad things.

If you are easily insulted, stop reading as the following is for people with a sense of humour (ie Queenslanders). I don't feel bad making a few points as I have copped enough flak throughout the year for my origins.

#1 Driving
Print this and go and sit in your car. Now locate the lever for your windscreen wipers. Found it? Good. Check the other side of your wheel for a similar lever. Put the key in to your car so you have power. Now flick that lever up and down. Do you see what happens? There's a ticking or a beeping noise (depending on your car) and these little arrows appear in the dashboard. These are called INDICATORS or BLINKERS. These are generally used to let other cars know your intentions. Rather then just braking when you approach a corner and then turning, you can put these on before you brake, to let the car behind you know you will be slowing down, therefore giving them a chance to change lanes. They're also quite useful if you're planning on veering into my lane, either because you're changing lanes, merging or "borrowing" half my lane. That way I know what you're going to do and if you haven't seen me, it will be okay because I will know what it is you want to do and will be able to avoid you (hopefully).

That's the other thing. Don't borrow my lane. When you see cars parked in your lane and you want to go around them, indicate that you're going to use my lane and then come into my lane. Don't just veer into half of my lane without indicating when you reach the cars. Just because you're only half in my lane, it doesn't make a difference. I can't use the lane beside you, it's too narrow. You're in it, accept it and use the indicators as earlier discussed.

Yes, here's another concept you may not be familiar with: LANES. The white lines on the road are not some form of artistic expression, they're actually useful road markings. What you're supposed to do is to drive inbetween the white lines, and any time you cross them, you indicate your intention to do so. They aren't suggestions, they're actually a road rule. You don't drive with the white line in the middle of your car so that you're across both lines or even more dangerously you don't constantly drift half over it then back into your lane as if holding your wheel is just too much effort. It's not a horse with a mind of its own. It's a car. You are in control, you can keep it between the lines. I shouldn't have to feel terrified of being in a lane beside another car everytime I'm on the road because of the unpredictable nature of your driving. Sorry but it's true.

Now this next one is much less important because it's not actually dangerous, just really irritating. You may have been taught to leave a one and a half car length between you and the car in front of you but there are some circumstances where this isn't practical. If you stop at a light, it's actually important to drive all the way up to it so that it will turn green at an appropriate time. If you stay back two car lengths, it may stay red. Don't be shy, drive up to that white line. Also when the traffic is stopped and busy, you leaving huge gaps between the cars may be the difference between people wanting to turn left at a "turn left any time with care" sign being able to and not being able to. I'm not suggesting you have to go bumper to bumper, but 1 - 2 car lengths is too much space in stopped traffic. It irritates me. Still I would concentrate more on the first issues.

When you look over your shoulder to check when you change lanes that there's no one in your blind spot, this is called a shoulder check. Not a head check. A head check is something you get when you go to see a shrink.

#2 Mr Surgeon
Here is something I think you've got right, and I wish they'd adopt in my home state. Traditionally physicians/GPs were called Dr, and surgeons were called Mr/Miss/Ms/Mrs. This is because traditionally doctors did not perform surgery, barbers did. That is why barbers often have the candy cane like post in front of their shop - it indicates their surgeon status - the red indicating bleeding. In Queensland because these days surgeons are considered doctors (having undergone a medical training) they are called Dr such-and-such. Here I see you still keep them under the layperson umbrella of Mr such-and-such. I think I like that. Although I have found it quite hard to adjust to, and I keep referring to them as doctor all the time (which strangely I think they find insulting whilst one would thing being relegated back to a glorified barber might actually be considered more insulting).

#3 Daylight savings
We have more daylight in summer, get over it. There's more at the beginning of the day, and more at the end of the day. Changing the clock makes no sense and is a pain in the arse. It's silly, and sometimes it means some people have to work an extra hour of night shift when the clocks revert, and lose an hour of their day off when daylight savings starts. This sucks.

#4 Service
If I am giving you money for goods you are providing a service. The dictionary defines service as: an act of assistance. So what you're doing should help me not hinder me. For instance if you sell me a fridge (and I pay for delivery) when it doesn't work you should be able to come back and get it and give my money back without having to receive several threatening phonecalls three times a day for a week (hint: don't tell me you'll arrive between 6-9 and then not arrive three days in a row - I actually don't want to sit at home waiting for you every evening).

Dear Kmart if I pay extra for delivery of a fridge, I expect it to be brought into the kitchen. I don't expect that you will tell me that you are within your rights to dump it on my driveway (even though I'm on my own and there are stairs to get it up).

If I get my car serviced, I expect that you will put all the connections back in the right place, and that if you don't you will actually take responsibility for it.

If you say that you will be able to deliver a washing machine within the week, that's kind of what I expect (a month and a week are different measures of time).

#5 Melbourne Cup
Well done on getting a public holiday for a sporting event! This is something I'm really impressed by! I can't believe we don't get state-of-origin day. If we did I wonder if you'd really want the day after state of origin off for recovery. Still I'm looking forward to my public holiday pay for working 13 hours on Melbourne Cup Day. It was hard to avoid all the talk and hype about racing horses but I think it's worth it for the public holiday.

#6 Autumn
Here's something I wish I could bring home - seasons. Watching the trees change colour was wonderful. I loved the beautiful colours of autumn. It felt so British (possibly because I was in England during autumn when I went). I loved driving down those streets where the trees come across from both sides and meet in the middle.

#7 Mental Health
When somebody with a mental illness is brought into the hospital by the police for assessment because they are carrying knives and threatening people, if mental health workers release them back into the community, you have to accept that there will be a certain number of stabbings by these people. At what point is someone sick enough to come into hospital?

#8 Woolworths
It's not safeways, it's woolworths.

#9 Milk
It's not Rev, it's Trim. See Trim lets you know what kind of milk it is (not no fat, not full cream, but inbetween). Why call it Rev? It makes no sense! The packet is entirely the same (down to the competitions) but the name is different. Why?

That's all for now... There may be another installment if I notice any glaring omissions.