"How to Kill your husband (and other handy household hints)"
Once again the title of this post is stolen - it is the title of a book which I have not read, but has always intrigued me, because it sounds like such a good title. I did consider buying it for my sister as her wedding present, but in the end wasn't sure it sent the right message. Anyway, sometimes I find it's not about how to kill your husband, but why you might want to.
On Thursday Matt and I decided to go to Healesville Sanctuary. This was for two reasons: Firstly we can get in for free because we're members of the Zoo and we'd never been; Secondly they have a birds of prey show, and I love birds of prey. So I got out of bed at about 9 and by about 12 we were on our way. A little later than intended but what can you do.
On the way to Healesville sanctuary (it's a long way from our house), we faced many, many tantalising distractions, winery sign after winery sign flashed past us. Vineyard after vineyard flooded our vision. But we drove on. Strong and determined.
Than there was a sign that couldn't be ignored "Yarra Valley Dairy". The car steered itself left and before we knew it we were at a dairy. There we obtained some bread from the lady at the front and went and fed two very cute goats. They had a most delicious range of goat's cheese, not quite as delicious or well priced as the old goat farm up at Kennilworth, but perhaps the next best thing. They also had.... CLOTTED CREAM. It's true, I will not have to move to England to enjoy scones the way God intended: With the cream underneath the jam. You see I've grown up with light fluffy cream that goes on top of the jam, which I always found a bit disconcerting. When I was in England in the Cotswalds having Devonshire tea I discovered it wasn't supposed to be that way. Ever since I have felt dissatisfied with my Australian tea and scones, that came with normal fresh cream.
However knowing we couldn't keep them cold all day, we bought some cheese to eat at the zoo and planned to come back afterwards in order to by our clotted cream. So we did the zoo in a whirl wind. Now the two things I really thought I might enjoy was the reptile show and the birds of prey show. So at 2pm we went to the reptile show, they did a goanna and a red-belly black snake before I had to move on to the birds of prey show at 2.30. The bird of prey show went something like this: Aboriginal style music playing in the arena..... whistling kite appears and does some aerial acrobats in the sky above us..... whistling kite disappears..... zoo keeper comes out..... zoo keeper assures us the bird is reliable and will come back.... man does a boomerang display for us..... man laughs at zoo keeper who is still looking for whistling kite..... zoo keeper explains to us that because birds of prey are territorial, they can't get any of the other birds out till they find the other bird.... end of birds of prey display. So we missed out on most of the reptile talk and the birds of prey talk.
Still the day was not a disaster. We went back to the dairy and we bought our cheese and our clotted cream.
We are now approaching the part of the story where I begin to develop homicidal feelings for my husband. Yesterday we were making a shopping list. I said "make sure we have what we need to make scones". At this point in the story it's important to note that due to matthew's bizarre flour beliefs, it is impossible for me to know what we have in the way of flour (imagine a pantry with: plain flour, bread flour, pasta flour, wholemeal flour, self raising flour, wholemeal self raising flour, rye flour, corn meal etc). He said "what type of flour do you use for scones?" I replied "whatever it is we usually use in damper", he said "self-raising flour, that's okay we have plenty of self-raising flour. If you'd wanted plain flour, we'd have had to buy some" (at this point he began an explanation about how high protein flours such as bread flour weren't appropriate to be used in scones).
This afternoon we finally decided today was the day. We would bake scones and have our delicious clotted cream and strawberry jam. So I began to measure out the self-raising flour for scones..... I was half a cup short.
At this point it is important to note that I am a reasonable, calm, level headed person, and that usually I tolerate mistakes quite well. However, this was not usual. Matthew hadn't said to me at the shops "nope I think we have self raising flour". We'd been at home, with him looking in the cupboard when he'd reassured me (plus I'd endured flour science talks). So, I sort of, well, lost the plot. I discussed quite calmly at the middle of my voice range (which I have to admit is a fairly loud voice) how important it is not to give false information. And as flour flew everywhere while I gestured, and Matthew collapsed into fits of laughter, it all felt quite hopeless.
Luckily, I used my genius powers of math, to adjust the milk in the recipe and finish making the scones. By which point I was quite exhausted from my energetic explanations to matthew on how important it was that we both try and make the marriage work (him by being able to tell me what kind of flour one might require to buy at the shops, me by not putting plastic bags in the sink which is his pet hate and what I threaten to do every time he does something I find slightly annoying). So I sat down at my computer to start writing this post while Matthew put the scones in the oven (he's trying to tell me now that he also did a few other things like clean the table, put the tea on etc).....
After a while I got a call from Matthew to ask if I thought the scones might be ready... So I went to the oven in order to check on them, which is when I noticed that Matthew had used the fan-forced oven and hadn't reduced the temperature. I used my very special "Calmly talk to the patient who is driving you crazy" voice as I explained to him that as previously discussed on many occasions, you can either use the oven at the 200C the recipe calls for, or use a fan forced oven at 10-15C lower than the required temperature. That while I was sure the scones were looking nice and brown from that fan-forced oven, I wasn't convinced the inside would be done. As my explanation got more and more repeated and convoluted, Matthew once again dissolved into unexplainable, misplaced laughter (some of you who have studied psych will know non-congruent laughter is part of mental illness).
We took the scones out and tested the centre. They were still sticky. So we turned the oven down and put them in for 5 minutes. Despite all Matthew's effort across the afternoon, the scones turned out perfectly. We sat down with our cup of tea, our fresh hot scones, our clotted cream, our strawberry jam, and we had ourselves a lovely civilised afternoon tea.
On Thursday Matt and I decided to go to Healesville Sanctuary. This was for two reasons: Firstly we can get in for free because we're members of the Zoo and we'd never been; Secondly they have a birds of prey show, and I love birds of prey. So I got out of bed at about 9 and by about 12 we were on our way. A little later than intended but what can you do.
On the way to Healesville sanctuary (it's a long way from our house), we faced many, many tantalising distractions, winery sign after winery sign flashed past us. Vineyard after vineyard flooded our vision. But we drove on. Strong and determined.
Than there was a sign that couldn't be ignored "Yarra Valley Dairy". The car steered itself left and before we knew it we were at a dairy. There we obtained some bread from the lady at the front and went and fed two very cute goats. They had a most delicious range of goat's cheese, not quite as delicious or well priced as the old goat farm up at Kennilworth, but perhaps the next best thing. They also had.... CLOTTED CREAM. It's true, I will not have to move to England to enjoy scones the way God intended: With the cream underneath the jam. You see I've grown up with light fluffy cream that goes on top of the jam, which I always found a bit disconcerting. When I was in England in the Cotswalds having Devonshire tea I discovered it wasn't supposed to be that way. Ever since I have felt dissatisfied with my Australian tea and scones, that came with normal fresh cream.
However knowing we couldn't keep them cold all day, we bought some cheese to eat at the zoo and planned to come back afterwards in order to by our clotted cream. So we did the zoo in a whirl wind. Now the two things I really thought I might enjoy was the reptile show and the birds of prey show. So at 2pm we went to the reptile show, they did a goanna and a red-belly black snake before I had to move on to the birds of prey show at 2.30. The bird of prey show went something like this: Aboriginal style music playing in the arena..... whistling kite appears and does some aerial acrobats in the sky above us..... whistling kite disappears..... zoo keeper comes out..... zoo keeper assures us the bird is reliable and will come back.... man does a boomerang display for us..... man laughs at zoo keeper who is still looking for whistling kite..... zoo keeper explains to us that because birds of prey are territorial, they can't get any of the other birds out till they find the other bird.... end of birds of prey display. So we missed out on most of the reptile talk and the birds of prey talk.
Still the day was not a disaster. We went back to the dairy and we bought our cheese and our clotted cream.
We are now approaching the part of the story where I begin to develop homicidal feelings for my husband. Yesterday we were making a shopping list. I said "make sure we have what we need to make scones". At this point in the story it's important to note that due to matthew's bizarre flour beliefs, it is impossible for me to know what we have in the way of flour (imagine a pantry with: plain flour, bread flour, pasta flour, wholemeal flour, self raising flour, wholemeal self raising flour, rye flour, corn meal etc). He said "what type of flour do you use for scones?" I replied "whatever it is we usually use in damper", he said "self-raising flour, that's okay we have plenty of self-raising flour. If you'd wanted plain flour, we'd have had to buy some" (at this point he began an explanation about how high protein flours such as bread flour weren't appropriate to be used in scones).
This afternoon we finally decided today was the day. We would bake scones and have our delicious clotted cream and strawberry jam. So I began to measure out the self-raising flour for scones..... I was half a cup short.
At this point it is important to note that I am a reasonable, calm, level headed person, and that usually I tolerate mistakes quite well. However, this was not usual. Matthew hadn't said to me at the shops "nope I think we have self raising flour". We'd been at home, with him looking in the cupboard when he'd reassured me (plus I'd endured flour science talks). So, I sort of, well, lost the plot. I discussed quite calmly at the middle of my voice range (which I have to admit is a fairly loud voice) how important it is not to give false information. And as flour flew everywhere while I gestured, and Matthew collapsed into fits of laughter, it all felt quite hopeless.
Luckily, I used my genius powers of math, to adjust the milk in the recipe and finish making the scones. By which point I was quite exhausted from my energetic explanations to matthew on how important it was that we both try and make the marriage work (him by being able to tell me what kind of flour one might require to buy at the shops, me by not putting plastic bags in the sink which is his pet hate and what I threaten to do every time he does something I find slightly annoying). So I sat down at my computer to start writing this post while Matthew put the scones in the oven (he's trying to tell me now that he also did a few other things like clean the table, put the tea on etc).....
After a while I got a call from Matthew to ask if I thought the scones might be ready... So I went to the oven in order to check on them, which is when I noticed that Matthew had used the fan-forced oven and hadn't reduced the temperature. I used my very special "Calmly talk to the patient who is driving you crazy" voice as I explained to him that as previously discussed on many occasions, you can either use the oven at the 200C the recipe calls for, or use a fan forced oven at 10-15C lower than the required temperature. That while I was sure the scones were looking nice and brown from that fan-forced oven, I wasn't convinced the inside would be done. As my explanation got more and more repeated and convoluted, Matthew once again dissolved into unexplainable, misplaced laughter (some of you who have studied psych will know non-congruent laughter is part of mental illness).
We took the scones out and tested the centre. They were still sticky. So we turned the oven down and put them in for 5 minutes. Despite all Matthew's effort across the afternoon, the scones turned out perfectly. We sat down with our cup of tea, our fresh hot scones, our clotted cream, our strawberry jam, and we had ourselves a lovely civilised afternoon tea.
posted by earthkissed | 5:30 pm
7 Comments:
*smirk*
all of that when you coulda bought scones from the shop, and used cream in a can. ;)
Ooo...Healesville Sanctuary!! My Dad grew up in Healesville, and when I was about 6 we went on a road trip down there. And went to the sanctuary. And I vaguely recall the birds of prey. :)
Andy-Pandy, you need to write a blog so I know what's happening in your world and so you can tell exaggerated stories about how evil sally is for us all to laugh at..... You see how fun it can be?
This post cracked me up! I could see it all so vividly! Flour flying and husband laughing...So Matt has an aversion to plastic bags in the sink? What's that all about?!
Would it bother him if you put a sink in a plastic bag? I can do that if you'd like.
(You think I'm kidding. It would take longer to charge up the batteries for the camera than it would to go put the sink in the bag. I wonder if I've got any non-chargable batteries around here. Hmmmm.....)
Can I keep using a word verification that I like? Please?
tritviz
You know when you get the vegies out of the bag they're in, and sometimes instead of putting them in the bin, you just put them in the sink so they're out of your way? Than sometimes they end up getting wet, or people peel potatoes on top of then? He really hates that. Can't understand why they just don't go straight in the bin. But I'd have to turn around to put them in the bin! I'd like to see the photo of the sink in the bag......
You can use whatever word verification you like.... but it may not work.
I'm glad I could amuse:) Well if you must know I had to do the recipe to 5/6th of the original, plus take into account the fact that I couldn't put in 5/6th of an egg, so I had to decrease the milk by 5/6th the original amount of milk plus decrease it again by 1/6 the volume on an egg! So there, you didn't believe me that it was hard, did you? Mostly I just guessed the amount of milk and didn't do any maths at all....
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