earthkissed

2012-01-21T11:54:00.001+10:00

I carved out an essay in the sand
I worked through all your fears
I poured out my sweat and a little of myself
I tried to make a difference that would last
But the tide came and washed it all away
And you can't remember why you are standing on a beach.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:The tide

Ambulances without borders? I THINK NOT

2012-01-02T14:12:00.001+10:00

New year's eve, possibly the worst day in the world to fall out of a tree and fracture your spine, my brother never had good timing. When I got a phone call telling me that my brother was being airlifted by helicopter to Lismore Base Hospital, I was concerned. He lives just inside NSW, and most of his closest hospitals are actually in Queensland.

After my brother had languished in Lismore hospital with suspected spinal fractures with so far no neurological involvement, being kept nil by mouth while he waited for his CT scan over 24 hours, I thought to get involved. Unfortunately, it turns out whilst doctors without borders exists, ambulances without borders does not, and that Queensland/NSW border is impenetrable.

I had a private neurosurgeon happy to take him, a private hospital happy to take him, you would think the overrun public hospital would be happy to be rid of him, but I was stonewalled. No, there is no way to get a patient across the border, sorry. Was there, I enquired an alternative? Could there perhaps be a private hospital in NSW I could get him transferred to? No, the doctor couldn't think of a single private hospital that could possibly have an on call after hours doctor.

They couldn't help him and they couldn't transfer him. Great.

I would like to thank the following people:
The radiologists - who apparently couldn't come in on a public holiday that they were on call for because a suspected spinal fracture of unknown severity didn't have neurological symptoms and therefore was non urgent and could wait 4 days. No idea yet if he needs surgery or not. Thank you. Thank you very much.
The QLD and NSW ambulance services - according to the hospital whilst doctors without borders exists throughout the world, ambulance without borders doesn't exist in Australia and there is no way to get a patient across the border.
Lismore Hospital and it's doctors - who apparently are so desperate for patients that even though this tax paying citizen did what the government requests and got private insurance so he didn't overburdern our strained resources, felt there was no possible private alternative available anywhere and they needed to keep him there even though they had no way of actually doing anything for him thanks to the first people I thanked

So as my brother comes up to 48 hours past the accident that had him helicoptered out of his home, leaving his wife with the 6 children including 6 week old twins and a farm full of animals to look after. I ask why do we all pay private insurance? because when it matters, when it really matters, when you want to get imaging and treatment quickly, you may as well be in prison, stuck by state borders and other ridiculous impediments.

Silence and contempt

2011-12-22T22:12:00.001+10:00

I poured my heart out
And was met with the stony silence of your soul
Do I interpret this as contempt?
When did it come to this?
Where my distress wasn't worth a single word.
No whisper of breath escaped in reply
This is the carelessness of time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Untended Heart

2011-12-17T16:41:00.001+10:00

And as the words burn in my ears
I feel the slow burn of sadness again
Not so familiar a guest
It's been a long time since I let the tide take me under
But I feel it now
And for the first time in a long time
I feel, hollow and only sadness
All the light has dimmed
And I am struggling to break back to the surface
To the air and the light
To the joy and life
And I feel sick to my stomach, like the ground has been pulled from beneath my feet
How did I let this happen?
How was I crippled so quickly?
I must have left my heart unwatered for some time, for it took barely anything to suck the last bit of life from it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fourth trimester

2011-11-23T10:07:00.001+10:00

Joshua is 6 months old now and a beautiful happy content boy. Despite the fact that he fed all the time (at least every 2 hours even overnight) for the first 4 months it has seemed easier. I think this was because this time I embraced the natural reliance a baby has on it's mother more. It's all in the expectation.

Some people call the first 3 months after birth the fourth trimester. Babies take awhile to adjust to the new environment outside their mother's wombs and have to deal with hunger, being too full, too noisy, too quiet and not being constantly with someone. Our culture says you need to teach them from day one to be on their own and settle on their own and I don't think that is right. This time I was more prepared to hold him the first 3 months, to have him in our room, to be everything to him. This is natural and the way most cultures work. There were moments where I grew weary but over all a smoother ride and a happy baby.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Springfield Lakes Blvd,Springfield Lakes,Australia

pikkolo for sale

2011-10-21T12:54:00.000+10:00

First cuddles

2011-05-24T16:53:00.000+10:00

Daddy in theatre, 20 minutes of age:

Mummy in recovery, not long after:

Xander up on the ward a little later that morning:

Joshua Elliot

2011-05-22T16:47:00.000+10:00

Today I became a mum to another beautiful boy. Here we use our close baby carrier for skin to skin.

I attempted a VBAC but ended after 12 hours of labour and 10cm dilated in another emergency LUSCS. Once again bub's head just pounded the pelvis but never got below spines. When my obstetrician opened me up my previous scar was paper thin and he could see right in, so the decision to cut was a good one. Basically I got a live baby and he got a live mummy - yay, good outcome. Xander seemed to like his new brother, although the real test will be when we bring him home.

Anyway, dizzy with fatigue as has had no sleep overnight.

2011-05-11T13:21:00.000+10:00

And how do you smooth the way? When the sun is yet to rise?
You take your small little hands and you use them to pull my face close to yours
And you cuddle and snuggle
You whisper to me in the not yet light of predawn
You run your hands along my arm, you touch my cheek
And what can I do? I am undone

The weekend

2011-04-05T10:37:00.000+10:00

We popped up and visited Matt and Skye and the kids on the weekend, Xander had a great time (as did Matt and I).

4 yrs on

2011-02-09T11:35:00.000+10:00

I still see those images
From That day
Float in front of me
Sometimes I wake at night
And they are there
And I breathe deep
And try to see
The years before that instead
The smiles
The fights
The tears
The laughter
The normalness
The life you lived

Dishes

2011-02-05T07:50:00.003+10:00

The skills I learnt in medicine for compromise and triage come in very handy when trying to tackle a weeks worth of dishes in under 30 minutes. I realised it could only be achieved if I didn't wipe up (something I always realise no matter how many dishes there are as I so hate wiping up). If you don't wipe up you have to be able to achieve an engineering feat of height with the dishes you wash when you stack them in the drainer. Now wine glasses should never be involved in engineering feats of height, so I immediately discounted them from the dishes, they were not going to make the cut for getting clean on this run (they also on account of not being harder to wash up whether you leave them 7 or 14 days and never actually growing anything smelly are a low priority). I then stacked the dishwasher, cleaned the spare sink thoroughly so it could be used as overflow for the clean dishes and preceded. And I am very proud of today's feat. Clean dishes stacked wherever they could find space.

Matt is a scientist. If he had of been doing the dishes, he would have done the wine glasses. He would have wiped up as went, filling up the drainer, then drying the dishes in the same order he put them in so that the teatowel wouldn't get as wet because he'd do the ones that had been draining the longest first. He wouldn't have missed the dishes on the table he probably would have cleared the table. The benches and stove would be clean, he may have even done the grease trap things in the rangehood. If I didn't arrive home, he would look around at the beautiful perfect clean kitchen and realise now was a good time to make some new beef stock because he had sterilised the whole kitchen. By the time I got home there would be a new round of dishes to do.

Well Matthew and Xander must be nearly finished their 30 minute swimming lesson, so I will stop blogging and try and get the nappies ready for the day.

Unforgivable

2010-12-06T16:30:00.001+10:00

This is for someone I know who's having a hard time, a song about the cycle of emotional abuse.

Merlo

2010-11-23T08:00:00.001+10:00

Perhaps it's a sad reflection on my parenting but Xander loves trips to merlo. He runs there looks though the glass at the coffee and it ends in people fawning over him and giving him a babyccino. What's not to love.

Today was no exception and I got him to follow me back to the car because he could see I was carrying his babyccino. I got him to follow me right up to the point where I opened the car door. At that point he turn and ran the other direction when I stepped in front of him he ran back the other way. When I tried to pick him up he laid on the ground and laughed at me (which is preferrable to screaming but still trickier to pick him up). But I succeeded in getting him to the car and wanting him to feel getting in the car was actually something positive to look forward to I decided to risk disaster and let him have his babyccino on the drive home. I only ended up having to change his shirt so I consider that a success.

Stillness

2010-11-16T20:07:00.000+10:00

The words float round my head
In circles, they take me nowhere
And sometimes I am simply lost in the rhythm of it all
Like a child in their make believe world
The conversations still unsaid
And I watch to see where it will lead

But in the end gravity pulls me back
And I am centered, far too centered, in the here and now
And I lose myself instead in the moments each day has
Trying to capture one to hold, when I am able

For now the way life blazes like a strong and steady flame
Is so busy and consuming I rarely find the time
To sit in just my silence, quiet, still and at peace
To hear the voice of wisdom and to feel that sweet warm breeze

Moments today

2010-11-16T16:15:00.001+10:00

Storytime with Aunty Kirsten

Finally wearing his hat outside

Before disaster struck

2010-11-16T15:37:00.000+10:00

I tried to suggest that he shouldn't climb up there, a split second after this photo disaster struck and he landed flat on his back....

Hats

2010-11-16T15:25:00.001+10:00

Xander refuses to wear a hat for us but today when grandma said he had to wear a hat or he couldn't go outside with her, he wore it patiently.

Spring Awakening

2010-10-15T11:08:00.002+10:00

Drove into work today listening to Spring Awakening, a musical which to quote wikipedia portrays "masturbation, abortion, homosexuality, rape, child abuse and suicide". Now I know that sounds a bit negative (it's based on a german play from 1891), but it's really a fantastic musical. I'm very sad that it's not showing in Australia! I believe they are making a movie of it, but movie's of musicals are rarely as good as the stage production. Anyway, to give you all a taste of it, here is a medley of some of the songs as performed at the Tony Awards (some of the lyrics were censured for it *sigh*)

Defence force: Living with their wives

2010-09-10T20:11:00.000+10:00

I live in Springfield lakes. A lot of my friends are 'defence force wives'. God, I'm just so grateful that's not me, that if my husband is late, I worry he's been in an accident or a traffic jam. That I don't live for 4 months only seeing him on skype, that my son doesn't grow up without that constant presence. Tonight matt's choir is having a concert, I'm home on my own - for one evening, until maybe 9 o'clock - and I feel it. We drove into the driveway and I said to Xander "we're home", his face lit up and he said "dada". Imagine explaining that for 4 months. I ran a bath (normally daddy time) instead of standing attentively by like he normally does, he looked at the bath said something I didn't understand and started wondering around the house (?looking for matt).

It's not just the men who come back with PTSD, missing limbs etc who have sacrificed. They've all missed things. Like their daughter learning words, Their daughter'sfavourite food. More importantly some of them don't come back at all. Some of them leave behind pregnant wives.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of anything, they are sacrificing for their country
They deserve our undying gratitude and thanks. For all the good it will do. It won't bring them back to life, it won't replace that moment where their young child doesn't recognize them. But at the very least - they deserve us to say, "you did good, your sacrifice meant something, and we're grateful"

So I want to say, to our defense force and to their wives. Thank you, for standing in the gap, for standing between us and all that's out there, for what you've lost and for the memories you gained (the memories no one needs), thank you.

2010-09-07T20:16:00.002+10:00

Sometimes I stand by your door, just to hear you breathe
This is after I have held you
And sung to you
And touched your face
And touched your hands
And left you in the angels care - overnight
Seems unlikely that you will ever fail to move my heart
Thinking of you, makes my eyes shine with joy
And when you wrap your arms around my neck
Or stroke my face with your hands
Or "kiss" my chin or cheek
I feel blessed
Every day
You are my "one near perfect thing" and I am happy

The Kitchen

2010-09-05T18:05:00.002+10:00

Matt and I have different approaches to the kitchen. Generally I am a sidekick, but sometimes I do get ideas about what I want to do. Warning, I'm feeling a bit tangential....

The first major way we differ, is I can be a bit of a kitchen gadget sucker. And in all honestly, they do mostly end up being crap things I don't use more then a few times. Matt is a kitchen equipment sucker. Two very distinct classes of kitchen clutter the gadgets versus the equipment. It means we have pans that reflect each stage of Matthew's thinking about the kitchen - cast iron, black steel (?I think), and stainless steel lined copper. Anyway I digress, I was saying this because I recently got a gadget that I have used more then once! A garlic zoom. It's awesome. Matt doesn't like the garlic crushed (unless you know you're doing it in some kind of paste like thing and you are using a pestle and mortar, but definitely frowns on the garlic crusher). Being the kitchen sidekick, I VERY frequently end up being the person finely chopping the garlic. Enter, the garlic zoom. Gives you the same result - chopped, not crushed!

Another thing that drives Matt a bit mad, I will get a bee in my bonnet about something I want to cook, go mad looking for the perfect recipe. Go to the shops, buy ingredients... Half way through the trip Matt will be asking why I'm buying all these things that aren't in the recipe and I'll explain why the recipe is wrong. When we get home I'll make a dish that perhaps follows bits of the recipes, but is kind of more what I had in mind. Matt doesn't mind that, he minds that I insist on having the recipe (that I will search an hour for the recipe), that I refuse to cook without one, but never ever follow it. He personally likes to read cookbooks, but just for ideas, and (with the exception of baking) just cooks things his own way, without a recipe.

Tonight what did we do? I love chorizo. Matt used to as well. Then we got gastro after a lovely chorizo meal, he still can't face it. One of our standard dishes was this chorizo and fennel pasta bake. So when Matt picked up a fennel at the shops, I was like "why don't we roast a lamb one night, and the next night make the chorizo/fennel pasta bake with left over lamb instead of chorizo?". Good plan. But as we were at the markets today I was all like, I think we'll have some vegies in the dish tonight, I think I'll put mushrooms in, and beetroot from our garden, and carrots from our garden and maybe some frozen peas.... Then when we got home I realised we had no chicken stock in the freezer to make the sauce with, so I decided to do a red wine sauce instead. Plus, I realised I had some proscuitto, and that would surely make the whole thing yummier. The end result? The dish had two things in common with the original - fennel and pasta. The lamb, beetroot, carrot, onion, garlic, mushrooms, proscuitto, peas, red wine, were yummy though! Xander picked out the pasta and peas at first (his usual choices), but by the end was eating some of the fennel as well. He took forever to eat and I was totally over it by the end!

Breastfeeding at 13 months

2010-08-31T20:42:00.001+10:00

What does breastfeeding a 13 month old baby look like? Like messy messy business! But I don't know how else Xander would have gotten through his illnesses of the last few weeks, it was at times all he would take.

Almost summer

2010-08-31T15:15:00.001+10:00

Imagination

2010-08-30T21:36:00.000+10:00

I stand on the edge of my imagination
Uncertain what to dream for
And I dip in my big toe
To test the waters
The currents are still strong
And I must dwell here
So I wrap myself in reality
To steel my heart against these winds that blow
Tugging me in every direction
Awakening the unrealized child.

Lisa Loeb - Alone

2010-08-26T15:42:00.000+10:00

30

2010-08-24T20:42:00.003+10:00

Sometime earlier this month I turned 30 and I had this idea that I would write something that day on my blog. But life was busy and I didn't get there, so here is my belated turning 30 discussion.

I think a lot of people find birthdays worrying and milestones more so. At this point in my life I don't mind them. People seemed to expect I would be all like "oh no, I'm 30". The truth is, I'm quite happy.

I am completely and utterly blessed and grateful for the life I have and I am happier now than I was when I was younger. I have a wonderful family, a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, a job I enjoy, somewhere safe to live. I live in a country where I can go and vote and I'm dodging pieces of paper not bullets. Every year that I'm alive, I feel like life gets better. I don't resent turning 30, I just look forward to what's around the corner (so in a way it's like trying to find a coffee shop to stop at when you're with Matt and you're totally starving and you say "let's stop here" and he says "let's just check what's around the next corner, there might be somewhere better" and there's always another corner and then it's 30 minutes later, you've walked goodness knows how far and you're really hungry, too hungry to walk back to the place you found that you really liked and at any rate you eat the food to fast to know if it was good or not but that's another story and just one of those funny quirks of our relationship).

Balancing

2010-08-24T19:51:00.001+10:00

Striving is an important factor in personal growth. If we never strive for something more, we do not grow as a person. But it is also a great source of low self esteem, depression and self delusion.

As I look around at my messy house, I am reminded that I tend to err on the side of happiness then personal growth. Rather then striving to become a tidier person, and in the process make myself stressed, tired, unsatisfied and unhappy, I make sure that Matt, Xander and I have time together and as much rest/sleep as I need. I perhaps in fact have taken it just a little too far. I really do need to do washing and tidy up, I should strive to have a better system in this regards.

However, today, instead of doing this, I did what I regularly do. I packed myself and Xander into the car and went to visit my sister in her nice clean tidy house. Why tidy mine when I can still enjoy the pleasure of a tidy house somewhere else?

Playing cars

2010-08-11T14:42:00.001+10:00

In an attempt to make the pink dollhouse useful, Xander decided to play cars on it.

Osteomyelitis

2010-08-11T12:07:00.001+10:00

Last Sunday Xander got a temp, it spiked quickly and he got a rash, I presumed it was viral (and indeed I still think it probably was). He was booked for his immunizations the next day and so we went to the doctors just to double check his throat and ears (I don't keep equipment at home - starting to reconsider that). It was fine. He continued to be grizzly and have temps the rest of the week. I gave him nurofen and panadol constantly because he would get sick when his temp spiked and seemed to have pain - he was quite good when adequately drugged. Prior to getting sick he was walking, whilst sick he wouldn't stand or walk - but that seemed reasonable. When the fevers persisted he went back to his GP who found no problems but given the fevers were ongoing started antibiotics. I adjusted the dose up to what I felt was more appropriate (ie doubled it almost) but otherwise went along with that. 24 hrs later no more fevers. 3 days later Xander started sleeping better at night. He also started trying to stand and walk... Which is when I noticed that he was keeping his left heel off the ground and wouldn't let go of things to walk. Tuesday morning it seemed even more obvious. I suddenly realised that many of his suddenly losing the plot moments related to his left foot being touched (like when u put his foot through his pants, or change his nappy etc). I carefully tested his hip and knee and ankle, and narrowed the pain down to his left heel, which was mildly warmer then the other side, but otherwise no obvious signs. I rang the gps and made an appt for 1115. I thought about it some more, called back and made it the earliest I could make it by 845. At the gps my gp looked at it, thought it might be an insect bite, and said watch and wait.

I was constantly worried about osteomyelitis because even though he no longer had a fever a limp in a febrile child always warrants investigation that was why I brought the appt forward - to give us time to get results back. I went and got some breakfast and at 10 called Xanders paediatrician. Luckily Dr Easterbrook was happy to talk to me on the phone. He said to go to mater emergency get them to do an xray and bloods (and cannulate when doing the bloods) and call him with results.

How to summarise those 9 hours in the emergency department?

Xander wanted to play on the filthy floor and I eventually gave up and let him. He got an IV (fun) an xray and an ultrasound. At 4pm when we were awaiting an ortho opinion I was able to go downstairs with Xander and get food and coffee for the first time since breakfast. I was on my own the first 8 hours which meant taking Xander to the bathroom with me and having him sit on my lap while I peed. Luckily I had brought lunch for Xander because there was certainly nothing available. My parents and matt came at 7pm and my parents brought him dinner. He was nil by mouth until the ultrasound result came back which was after 7 sometime (there was talk of a surgical exploration of the joint if there was an effusion).
At 9pm we made it to the ward where we were able to get some yoghurt for my still hungry bub (emergency department were unable even in short stay to get us anything so useful)

Eventually Xander went to bed and sometime after 11 I did too, but he was unsettled and I got up to him a bit. At 2am another dose of abs - he slept thru that hour I did not. 3am he woke up and started running his iv back and forth over the metal bars like he was in jail. Lay him next to me and started sticking it on and off the Velcro on the wall "rip rip rip". At 4ish he went to sleep. At 7 they woke him for more abs. I am exhausted. He is asleep now and instead of sleeping I am blogging.

The moral of the story? Deciding not to be your child's gp but instead for them to have their own gp, is not actually always the best plan. Which is sad - I actually like his gp.

Fish?

2010-08-10T08:01:00.001+10:00

Just for you Sarah.

sewing project (or one woman's journey in raising the next generation of deeply psychologically scarred children)

2010-08-02T22:37:00.003+10:00

I blame sleep deprivation, an ear infection and hormones. You know how one day you get a kind of weird idea in your head about how to solve a problem, and it seems really really reasonable, up until you've actually done it? Well if you read on, I think you'll see how easily such a thing could happen.

Xander is now 12 months old, he is still breast feeding which is fine, what is starting to be a little annoying is him feeling that he should sleep on his side with my breast between his hands, even if he's not actually breastfeeding (in fact he might have the dummy in his mouth, but cry until he has a breast between his hands to cuddle). Slightly more uncomfortable if we are not at home. I remembered that there was this person who made plush toys on the internet and that they made a plush breast to help weaning (found it years ago, just had a quick look and I can only see these freaky japanese toys that are breasts), I started to consider buying one. Then I thought about how Xander is actually not overly fond of furry things (oh how wrong it's all starting to sound already). I thought how it would be convenient to have something that I could slip into his hands instead of, well, me. Something that felt a little more like skin than a furry toy. I thought maybe satin and I thought how hard could it be....

After another week when the thought occurred to me again, I thought how seeing as he also likes to hold fingers, maybe the breast should have little finger like projections coming out the non nipple side (just two, I didn't want it to be tricky seeing as I can't really sew). So today I went to the shops and bought some silk satin materially stuff. In the mistaken idea that so long as I didn't buy it in pink, I could disguise what I was making. When I got there, I made the mistake of liking the brown satin, I do think blue would have been a better disguise for a breast, as after I made it, I realised there were in fact a great number of brown breasts in the world, and whilst it wouldn't be mistaken for my breast it certainly bore a slight resemblence to others....

At best the result looks like a disabled fish (I told Matt I might draw eyes on so that people thought it was supposed to be that) at worse it looks like a deformed breast with tentacles.
*sigh* when will I learn.

I did nothing

2010-08-01T20:41:00.000+10:00

How can I help you?
Neither of us know.
You don't even know if you want help,
but you keep telling me how hard it is.
I keep offering ways and choices
But nothing is right
And in the end you'll say
I did nothing
And all the hours will be thrown in my face
With the bitter taste of old hope lost

Next part of trip

2010-07-25T14:33:00.001+10:00

Okay due to the instability of this app the last post was just the rest of Melbourne.
We then hit the yarra valley, got some nice cider from punt road, some yummy cheese from yarra valley and some good wine from sticks winery (they had a new tasting room with a nice veranda)

Dropped in at baileys of glen Rowan winery and drove to Holbrook where we stayed the night, it was too cold to leave the car for photos in the morning but they had a submarine.

Canberra was fun caught up with friends there, went to pizzaz and the silo bakery, did the markets and cooked ragu, went to matt's favourite kitchen store in Kingston. Found a cute bookstore with a cubbyhole hole for kids.

Then skiing in perisher....

Xander turned one while we were there and Kate and Adam gave him presents - they were very organized!

Rest of holiday

2010-07-25T07:22:00.000+10:00

Well here is the rest of our holiday, as per iPhone photos... Hopefully this app won't keep quoting and deleting my post like it did on the trip....
Okay well it's already done it once....
Later after the zoo, we walked down to see Fi at work

After which we enjoyed a lovely dinner at hardware lane with Tim and Fi

The next day we went to the aquarium (via the camera museum - sneaky daddy) and it was a hit!

Xander fell asleep after lunch

Then we dropped Xander at tim and fi's and went on a date (thanks tim and fi!)

I had duck, matt had the bunny of the day. When we got back Tim worked on Zoolander expressions whilst putting ?sugru? On the bottom of his cup

The next day was for shopping...

Xander started pretty sleepy and after a big walk over at bridge st, a nice lunch, we hit a wall when the campers store in town was shut, we went back to the hotel got our car and drove to the suburbs, our efforts did not go unrewarded.

2010-07-23T12:25:00.001+10:00

Started writing this yesterday, but Xander wanted to play, so I stopped. Yesterday my son turned one. My gorgeous boy with his deep brown eyes the always bring him admiring comments. He is intelligent and curious, playful and cheeky, he cuddles and kisses, he throws tantrums, he walks, he has a few words (pointed at a power point and told kate "no" during the week), he has little hair and two teeth. He loves people and smiles readily, he can get so absorbed in playing that he will shake his head and push you away if you interrupt. His smile melts your heart and his laughter recharges your spirit. He has brought more joy and wonderment into our lives then I thought imaginable. Happy birthday Xander.

Melbourne zoo

2010-07-12T14:34:00.001+10:00

Xander loved the fish

Tried to kiss them through the glass. Screamed when we took him away.

Loved the golden pheasant

Made sure I saw it, screamed when we moved on.

These wooden elephants were fun

It got serious at times

They tasted good. He through another tantrum when we left there...

But I gave him a biscuit.

Unfortunately he flaked out before the reptile house.

Mostly used my proper camera not the phone for this, so more photos when I get access to that.

Roadtrip

2010-07-12T14:23:00.001+10:00

A picture paints at least the five it so words I'd have to say, so here is Xander (and also featuring the puppets lent to us by Nest Nappies at Paddington) on our roadtrip to melbourne.

Packing

Ten minutes after we left home.

Goondiwindi

Narromine, just stood in front of the trangie sign as matt's memories of trangie were so fond

The shows are a bit interesting in narrendera

Narrendera

Stop revive survive in Finley at the firestation.

Finally in Melbourne enjoying a good coffee and fighting over menus.

Pasta

2010-07-05T18:56:00.001+10:00

Strangely the night before he used his right hand to eat quite exclusively, tonight the left mostly but not exclusively.

Chocolate

2010-07-04T14:31:00.001+10:00

I sat there eating my piece of lindt 70% equadorian cocoa chocolate with my next little piece beside me ready to go. Xander walked up spotted it and decided to have a go. I told matt it was ok, Xander wouldn't like it. I was wrong....

Silly mumma

2010-07-02T18:24:00.001+10:00

I developed some nominal aphasia whilst bathing Xander tonight. He held up a whale and I said "blue whale". He held up a seahorse and I said "horse fish". Took me awhile, eventually I remembered what it is.

Meanwhile Xander does high five, claps when you say clap, clicks his tongue, says lordilordilordilor (if you poke out your tongue at him), and will make an "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh" noise if you put your finger on and off his mouth. And makes car noises with his lips He does lots of other things but those are his on demand party tricks.

Okay he's bringing me the Tupperware shape sorter so he can put the shapes in it (when u turn it so he really only has one choice he's not too bad). I try to say the names of the shapes as we go but for some shapes the best I can come up with is "quadrilateral" and to be honest I don't think he'll be repeating that any time soon. Okay, he really wants to play. More later.

Glossed

2010-06-29T20:10:00.001+10:00

Just found this post that I wrote awhile ago, but never got around to pressing the publish button on!

In my efforts to put up photos etc, I glossed over the last 6 months and the whole transition to parenthood. Now anyone who spoke to me in the first 3 months post partum can stop reading, I know you were all bored to death with my talk of how much my nipples hurt.

As a doctor, I thought I had a reasonable grasp of some of the challenges ahead of me. I knew babies cry for no reason, breastfeeding is not always beautiful, poo becomes a major obsession, boys wee on you every opportunity, and sleep was a luxury. Knowing and living through are two totally different things.

I thought for sure the sleep thing would be my main concern, I mean I love to sleep. That was before the Human Hoover sucked on my breast. In recovery in theatre he was placed on my breast by a midwife and within 20 minutes I had a blister on my nipple. That's okay I thought, I'll just get onto it early, I got myself an appointment with a lactation consultant, and another. Within five days the tips of both nipples were totally raw. Everytime Xander cried for a feed, I wanted to cry. When I had to attach him, I would hesitate - pulling the nipple up to his mouth, then pulling it away and trying to psych myself up to put it in. I rang everyone for advice and tried almost everything that was suggested (thank you to floss for countless hours she talked to me). Eventually at about the ten week mark, I could feed without pain.

I had always glossed over these problems with a turf to a lactation consultant with my patients. I had no real understanding how hard and painful it really could be, how long it could take to heal, even when you're getting all the right advice. Now I groan in sympathy, prepare them for the long road of recovery, encourage them, talk to them about positions, tell them to call ABA and send them to a lactation consultant. If I see a pregnant woman who looks like she might get problems, I start talking to them about it straight away, trying to get them ready!

The worse thing is, my sister-in-laws found it was worse, not better, with the next children. Those early months of breast feeding are just about the only thing that would give me pause about another baby. Everything else I can cope with!!!

I'm totally glad I stuck with it anyway. The convenience of breastfeeding over bottle was worth the agony!

The Ocean

2010-06-29T13:27:00.003+10:00

The inky blackness stared back at me
Glassy, but not still
Rolling and moving beneath my feet
And I watched the horizon
As the moon stared unblinkingly down
And I was surrounded by nothingness
I listened to the whispering
Of waves against the boat
And I let it still my heart
Into peace

An unlikely turn of events

2010-06-11T07:48:00.002+10:00

In an unlikely turn of events, I have started using cloth nappies. I used to talk to friends who were using them and secretly wonder if they'd all gone mad (sorry guys). I didn't believe them when they said it was no trouble. Then one day as I watched a mum changing her baby out of her MCN (modern cloth nappy) and put a new one on, something inside me clicked. I thought about what I'd been reading about toilet training, remembered conversations with Margie about toilet training from cloth versus disposable, and decided this was doable (maybe something to do with Xander having more solid poos now).

Of course, now I'm using all my self control to not buy tonnes of different awesomely cute cloth nappies (ie the bonnibuns hungry little catterpillar ones, how can I resist??). I have gone with a OSFM (one size fits most) AIO (all in one - ie the waterproof layer is part of the nappy), with a waterphobic material layer built in to sit next to the skin so bubs bottom isn't wet, from bonnibun. Oh, and the booster clips out for quick drying. Plus it has clips which I prefer to velcro. I just have workhorse nappies, I have been resisting the adorable ones. I am very happy with the choice. Bonny is a Gold Coast mum, so they're part of the local economy, the colours are cute, the fit is slim, the process is simple. I use a flushable liner, so I lift poos out (theoretically) and flush them down the toilet. I dry pail the nappies, and I wash every night, because I think it's less gross, and also I didn't buy a tonne of nappies. They just go in the washing machine, warm, less detergent, no softener. It really couldn't be easier. In fact, I find it less annoying then taking a bag of disposables out to the bin every day.

Matt was hard to convince, so we are still in a compromise pattern. Daycare provides their own disposables, so he still has disposables on those day, which means I really am at this point only doing cloth four days a week. I bought some different nappies for overnight, but because Xander is in one nappy for 12 hours at night, the boosting required and the wool outer layer (to allow the liquid to evaporate through rather then trapping it against his skin) mean that it's quite bulky. It worked, he had no leaks, but he did look a bit ridiculous toddling around like a pair at night and Matt didn't like the head down angle he ended being on when asleep in his cot (due to the layers making his bottom so high). So for now we are back in disposables at night (still the original stash left over from when we started cloth). We have talked about giving the night nappies another go, but it's still a compromise in progress. I basically don't want to buy any more disposables when this stash runs out. Matt's still not sure. I am trying not to be too obsessional and unflexible as then he will be offside and dislike the whole thing all together.

At any rate why I think cloth is better? Turns out MCN's not tricky. Less rubbish around the house (good for environment). Cuter, way cuter. toilet training is easier (my main reason, I'm keen for an early trained bub). Price, honestly, don't believe what you read, you don't need 20 nappies, you need 12, maybe a few night ones, if you wait for the right price, it really isn't that big an outlay, and definitely is better then disposables.

Anyway, my first patient awaits me, I suppose they are probably more important then blogging about my latest obsession!!!

Ron Mueck

2010-06-05T16:36:00.001+10:00

Went to the Mueck exhibition today at GOMA. The attention to detail on the statues is freakily lifelike. Here are some photos which seeing as they are taken on my iPhone are a bit crap.

Biting

2010-05-13T20:41:00.001+10:00

Xander has had two teeth for a week. I have been battling biting breast baby and feeling a little like I'm in a dr Seuss book apparently.
Solution #1 my friend told me she screamed, her baby got a fright, never bit her again. Xander laughed and immediately bit me again.
Solution #2 ignore bad behaviour. Apart from how difficult it is not to gasp when small sharp little teeth clamp down on your nipple and pull off. Xander still found it fun.
Solution #3 put breast away, baby down. Now when Xander was sick, he cried pitifully when put down on the floor. Unless it was in response to him biting me. Even when i put him on the floor in the emergency department he tucked his chin into his chest and giggled in delight.
Solution #4 put baby in the cot. Tonight Xander and I were in a battle of wills at bedtime. Me feeding him in the chair in his room. Him biting. When caught unawares - I gasped, but I immediately stood up (to his delight) and put him in the cot and walked away. He howled. I came back picked him up, tried again. This happened over 6 times tonight. Except the gasping, Xander does not have a good poker face, he will usually pre-empt the biting with a giggle (tell-tale bad sign when he's breastfeeding and he giggles) or a sly look up at you. He maintains eye contact for the entire process of biting then laughs at his own hilariousness. He did once in the battle of wills commence the process, reconsider and breast feed without an actual bite. I moved on to the next one
Solution #5wet washer to face. Does require pre-planning of having a wet washer nearby. Tried it tonight. Something Xander normally hates, he ignored completely. It's also problematic when your actual goal is putting baby to sleep. I will try it a few more times yet.

How in one week am I so defeated by a 9.5 month old in a battle if wills?

From another angle

2010-05-09T20:56:00.001+10:00

Fish

2010-05-09T20:52:00.001+10:00

Whole coral trout (the recipe called for a 3 pound fish but this was over 6) the inside rubbed with crushed peppercorns, fennel seeds and coriander seeds then stuffed with leeks and lemon slices with a sea salt crust that you crack and remove and then the skin just peeled away and the flesh was so moist.... That was the half of the meal I prepared. We served it with a beautiful saffron risotto that Matt made and some fresh rocket from our garden and lemon wedges to squeeze over the top and fresh EVOO to drizzle.

The fish before we cracked the salt crust.

Sally's fish

2010-04-24T19:43:00.001+10:00

Is it wrong that I just tried to see if you can overfeed the fish on Sally's blog and kill them? Good news - you can't. Sally - I'm sorry I tried...

accidental baby carrier

2010-04-24T19:22:00.002+10:00

I have accidently bought yet another baby carrier. I couldn't resist, I tried, I swear! I had been talking about, if I had another baby, buying a wrap around style baby carrier (although it seemed slightly fiddly). Then when we were at Nest Nappies at Paddington (me attempting to talk Matt into swapping to cloth nappies - still a work in progress), I came across the close baby carrier. Basically acts exactly like the wrap arounds, only it's got two set of rings. Awesome. Put Xander in it and wandered up to the biome store and around the place in general.

Also it turns out that they sell one of my other favourite ever slings - the catbirdbaby pikkolo! So if anyone is thinking of buying one you don't have to order it online after all! You can go and touch and feel and try it all out. So here it is, I now have the complete set of baby slings.

1. Close baby carrier - good for a snug swaddled feel, but can do bigger babies inward and outward carry
2. Maya Wrap (ring sling) - so versatile, so simple, so important, I barely know where to begin. Better for times when you want baby lying down rather then upright. But really does it all - chest to chest, cradle carry, kangaroo carry (outward carry), hip carry, and if you are confident and have a cooperative child - back carry. The sling that started my love of slings!
3. My Pikkolo (catbirdbaby brand). Similar in style to ergo but a thousand times better. Not as bulky, more comfortable, does outward facing carry (as well as inward, back, and hip). Funky colours, easy to use. Can carry baby for hours and hours comfortably, even if baby is heavy. Has an option for a big hip belt to support even more as baby gets bigger. Does newborn to oh my goodness why is that mother carrying that fat child who can walk on their own size.

Also if you are considering cloth nappies and you live in Brisbane, the lady at Nest Nappies is super helpful and you can touch and feel lots of different ones. Thanks to Gam and Sarah for pointing me in the direction of this store.

Oh and everyone should go to Marcia's on Montague at West End. It's a kitchen shop (with awesome kitchen stuff) but they have Eric Carle baby toys which are like lamaze toys only they are the characters from the Eric Carle books (caterpillar, ladybug, elephant). I can't overemphasize how hard it was to resist buying them. But Xander has a number of lamaze toys and at the moment he ignores them all and picks up wooden blocks to hit things with instead, so I really couldn't justify it.

I think I am now banned from the shops. Did I mention I have bought one cloth nappy to try??? We'll see how it goes..

Parenthood

2010-04-02T15:39:00.001+10:00

Xander is now 8 months old, I have been nurturing him and loving him for 17 months. I have a new perspective on life I didn't have before. So now I think is an appropriate time to say sorry to my parents. Sorry for those difficult years where I was ungrateful to the point of hatefullness. Where I questioned your love to me and said hurtful things.

When I gaze at Xander as he breastfeeds and he gazes back at me with that trust and peace in his eyes, or when his face lights up at the sight of Matthew, I know these are the moments that I will hold dear to my heart. But of course, Xander will not remember them at all. And I just can't imagine how I will feel when it goes from this moment to those defiant years where they look back at you with angry eyes and ask you if you really even love them. How those moments must have hurt my parents.

So thank you. Thank you for all the love and nurturing you poured into me from before I can even remember. Thank you for always having my best interests at heart. Thank you for all the continued love and nurturing you still provide 30 years on. Sorry for all the times I threw all that back in your face. I love you both.

Crawling boring, standing better

2010-04-01T20:25:00.001+10:00

Working Mother

2010-03-23T08:47:00.002+10:00

I am a working mother. I went back early. This does not make me less of a mother then you. This does not mean I don't love Xander. So on behalf of all working mother's out there, let me make this very clear.

My reasons?
Well if I don't say money, the rest of this will seem dishonest. I like to go out for coffee, I like to buy cool things for Xander, I am locked into a government grant that I would have to pay back if I didn't work. I wanted the money.

I love being a mother, far more then I ever expected. I love Xander. But being a mother is not all of who I am. Lots of people can be a stay at home parent and do a wonderful job and do it without becoming a one dimensional person who can't think outside of that role. I am not one of those people, I needed, to keep myself sane, and therefore to be a good mother, outside interests. I don't play sport, I'm not especially arty, work is to me, what your hobbies are to you. I enjoy it, it's stimulating, it's a challenge. Xander is all those things as well, but much like how I'm often reading more then one book at one given time, I like to have a few things going on.

My gorgeous boy knows who I am, has a healthy, but not overdeveloped sense of stranger danger. He goes to daycare, he plays with other children, he plays with different toys. He doesn't seem distressed by this system. He is a happy loving baby, who is meeting his developmental mile stones.

I think every parent must make the choice that's right for them and their baby.

End Rant

Handling complaints.

2010-03-23T08:25:00.003+10:00

No matter who you are, or what you do. If you send in a letter of complaint because it took over 4 visits to get the car fixed (1. don't have the part 2. the wrong part came 3. the parts department sent the part back 4. we don't have the right tool to install the part), you shouldn't get attacked and essentially told that doctor's don't do a good job so why should they. That's it. That's all I'm saying. Plus what do you think it would do for your staff morale if they heard you use the phrase "you can't make silk purses out of pig's ears" to describe them???

Bec = MacGyver

2010-03-23T08:09:00.003+10:00

I just want to tell you all about how I pulled a minor (very minor) MacGyver the other day.

I came home to find a note from my cleaner saying that she couldn't get the plug in the sink in the ensuite to spring back (it's one of those push in ones). Bugger

I went in, a sink full of bleach and water, tried in vain to get the plug to spring out by pushing on it, just jamming it further and further in. Talked to Matthew, who said try unscrewing it. Trying to unscrew a jammed plug in a sink full of bleach = impossible.

Thus I began to empty the sink. Once it was empty I returned to the futile task of trying to unscrew the plug. I soon realised that what I needed was a tiny suction cup so I could put it on and turn it. Not surprisingly, Matthew said we did not have the above mentioned device. I wracked my brain...

I dried the sink very thoroughly, I got that thick double sided tape that comes with hooks you attach to the wall. I attached one side to the plug, one to my ventolin puffer.... And I pressed down and turned....

Yay... The plug was out.

We will never use it as a plug again.

Somerset and Wivenhoe

2010-03-07T17:32:00.006+10:00

Coffee with Sally, Andrew, Floss and little people

They are releasing water from Somerset into Wivenhoe, is very cool...

Dreaming

2010-03-07T08:16:00.000+10:00

Dreams are so pictorial and non-linear that putting them in words always feels like your losing so much in the translation. Sometimes the more I try to explain them the more it seems they are like living fluid slipping through my fingers.

Nevertheless I had a freaky dream last night.

First it was like I was going through a jelly like substance. When I emerged I was in the world but it wasn't quite right. It was close to my world but really wasn't quite my world. As people talked to me and I tried to play along and pretend I knew what they were talking about it became clear I was the wrong Rebecca in the wrong world. So I went to see my sister-in-law Karen because I was pretty sure she'd understand and be able to help me. She would know it was a bit like the "other" world in Coraline. Karen was quick to look around and make sure no one was listening and kept whispering about me needing vitamin Zee. Which for some reason we really needed.

I then had to try and use this secure portal on her computer to contact her friend Lauren but I couldn't make it work so I smsed her instead which Karen was not thrilled about. We then went to the train station.

The trains were ones that went along hanging from rails rather then on tracks and there were platforms at lots of levels so that if you were at the top platform you looked into a dark pit that had lots of rails for trains to hang from, all crisscrossing. It was so high you couldn't see to the bottom. Suddenly I realised I needed to get the vitamin zee from the other side of the station and this guy said he'd get it. And he swung up onto a rail and started swinging to get momentum to swing across to the next one and he let go and missed the next one and them plunged down screaming until we couldn't see him. Then someone else volunteered to go. He was much more careful. Rather then trying to do big swings across he went across from rail to rail swinging from hands to knees to hands like an acrobat. Then I realised lots of people were doing that because it was the only way to cross. And people fell all the time but it was just accepted as one of those things.

Anyway it went on and on and even involved me going to this rehab place in search of vitamin zee and the rehab place was being run by someone who turned out to be a robot (a big reveal that occurred in the parking lot of a shopping mall and ended with me hiding on the roof of a camper trailer). It was all very weird. And I woke up without getting the vitamin zee.

Tonight

2010-02-25T20:50:00.000+10:00

Tonight I am sitting at my parents being the adult in a house with three sleeping babies and hoping none of them wake up. My sister's two have been asleep since something like 7pm. I have been trying to get Xander asleep since that time and finally an hour or so later he is asleep. Apparently my reward for him finally showing more then a passing interest in having solids is him refusing to breastfeed and having a stomach ache and arching and screaming. Honestly I don't know why I'm bothering with solids they're nothing but a pest.

More photos now.
What usually happens at night:

Or in the car:

This afternoon the boys played together:

Xander again

2010-02-22T19:33:00.001+10:00

When Xander did start back on solids he decided to make up for it by having both spoons in his mouth at once

Finally asleep

He wanted to help with the washing, so into the backpack he went.

:(

2010-02-11T12:32:00.001+10:00

My first forwards accident that was my fault.

My poor little golf.

Timelines

2010-02-09T14:37:00.001+10:00

Today flies by with the usual parade of moments
That fill up almost every day
But my soul plods through it on a different timeline
Three years ago
This is around the time when I got the phone call
From a birds eye view, I see myself
In the office next to mine
Telling my boss, and breaking down
Suddenly I'm in the tea room
People bustling about, organising to drive me home
A cup of tea in my hands
I am driven to my house
I collect some things
I remember thinking I'd need something to wear for the funeral
Then I am driven home to Brisbane
The drive seems immeasurably long
Trees flashing by on the bruce highway
The ceaseless parade of life in front of me
Finally I am home
I make sure my receptionist knows the way back to Nambour
Then I am walking up the stairs
Heavy feet, heavy heart
I see my sister for the last time
Lying in her bed
I go and stand with my family
Clinging as they take her away
The day is a slowmotion blur
I didn't understand before this, that you could have both
Fragments of time and moments
The world buzzing in my ears
Glenys in the office, phoning people for us
Ben there
And then the endless parade
And family, all of us,
Grief
Days of Grief
Years of Grief
Memories
My soul is plodding through this timeline today
Over and over
The rest of the year when I remember
I remember her, her life, our life, our moments
But today, just today
I let myself walk through that day
Through her death

Success

2010-02-08T22:03:00.001+10:00

Even managed to go back and edit the giant photo to a thumbnail. Hopefully I will be back on the blog horse. However it may be boring as i've become a bit obsessed with Xander.

Test3

2010-02-08T21:57:00.001+10:00

Okay that photo was overwhelming. Let's try this editer program.

Test2

2010-02-08T21:41:00.001+10:00

This time with pictures! Here Xander explores pumpkin as a facial product rather then a food. He has in fact decided solids are not for him.

Testing

2010-02-08T21:21:00.001+10:00

There may be a series of inane posts as I test various apps for blogging to improve my track record!!

The Wonder

2010-02-08T19:17:00.005+10:00

It was unexpected, the wonder you brought to my heart
Restoring that which was long lost to my childhood
And every day dawns new, when I see it through your eyes
Your excitement is contagious
In your flailing limbs and infectious giggles
And when you greet me with squeals of excitement
Nothing can be wrong with the world

photos

2010-02-03T19:03:00.002+10:00

Xander (the one at the bottom is him wearing the japanese lunch carrier I made for Matt)
+ couldn't resist a photo of Rachem and Sally (hampered slightly by baby bump) belly dancing...

Shopaholic

2010-02-03T17:08:00.003+10:00

How I became a shopaholic
#1 Get Pregnant
#2 Stop work
#3 Have super cute baby, hate housework, must travel, spend all time at shops
#4 Have iphone, spend rest of time surfing internet looking at cool things
#5 Join mother's group, find out about lots more cool things

Things i recommend:
1. Best baby carrier of all time (in my opinion) --> Maya wrap. This is a ring sling. All ring slings are not equal. I thought it was ridiculous that people thought that the material would make that much difference. It does. I looked at others, I bought the maya wrap over the internet, the handwoven cotton, nice and breezy, lovely. So superversatile, easy to use. I sold the first sling (peanut shell) I bought on ebay. It was not for me. Ring sling can be used all the way to toddler. Now that my baby is heavier, I'll admit, I use it for shorter carrying trips, and use my second favourite baby carrier (The catbird baby pikkolo) for longer trips.
2. THe catbird baby carrier pikkolo baby carrier. Are you detecting a pattern? Yes, I think carrying babies is an easy way to go. I find carrying him makes getting things done easier (Plus i can breastfeed in both these carriers which means I can breastfeed while I shop - got congratulated for breastfeeding in public the other day as this woman said she'd had people get up her for it - really? In this day and age!!! I'd have a field day if anyone tried that on me). THe pikkolo is a bit like an ergo, but less evil big company, doing ridiculous patenting tricks on things they didn't event. It also is simpler, less bulky, and more versatile (does inward and outward carry, back carry, front carry, hip carry). Comes in funkier patterns also. I have spent hours on the internet researching baby carriers. Hours. Hours and hours. I wanted them all.
3. Arms Reach Cosleeper. I couldn't sleep Xander actually in my bed, I would accidently roll over and smother him. But the cosleeper bassinet (I got the mini which is still nice size) attaches to the edge of our bed, and when he was little he slept right there beside me and all I had to do was roll over pick him up, feed him, roll over and put him back down again. Yay...
4. Australian Breastfeeding Association membership. I thought I was being a bit silly, but it's come in handy, and the book I got with it has heaps of things about expressing and etc that now that I'm back at work and expressing breast milk for Xander has been really handy.
5. My Avent breast pump. THe manual avant is brilliant, and the dual electric breast pump is also. I have now tried a different brand double electric breast pump, and am really happy with my choice. (which I ought to be as I did spend four hours on the interner researching it). Works really well. Is a closed system. Has enough suction. Fantastic.
6. Despite the baby carriers, the next one is my pram. Bugaboo Bee. Light (<8kg), narrow, one step fold, birth - toddler, wheels run so smooth, brilliant one handed steering, coffee cup holder.
7. to be able to put baby down when they are little it's good to have a swing chair and a playmat that has lights and music that activate when baby kicks. trust me!

Now we're moving into less important territory:
nappy bag - a whole new world easy change bag (cheapest from bambini pronto when on sale)
super cool family cushions (strawberry jam designs)
tripp trapp high chair (but buying all the baby bits separate a big money suck)
bubbamat for our tiled area (money suck)
glider chair (valco) - a little luxury for mamma
smartmom teething jewelry - actually that really is awesome
safe n sound compaq delux car seat. as recommended by choice
breast milk trays from aba store to freeze breast milk in
the lamaze moose
peter rabbit comforter toy
dvds to watch whilst breast feeding and recovering from emergency c-section
kiddy cot 3 in 1 playpen

what I am currently resisting:
avent combined steamer blender... WIll I make it? can I resist?

But it is my baby I love! Not the shopping. I just can't seem to help myself!!! But I'm stopping now. I really am. have everything I could possibly need (except an avent combined steamer/blender)

I will post photos soon, but xander is crying for a feed now.

EDIT ALERT:
How could I forget my kinderkot? the truly portable cot/tent so easy to put up an down.
Also my bambinoOz. My portable high chair device.

Dreams

2009-10-29T09:40:00.002+10:00

Tuesday night
I died in my dream
I didn't wake up beforehand
Like I normally would
I plunged over the edge
And the dark water surrounded me
And filled my lungs
And I stopped breathing
And it was all darkness
I awoke with a heavy feeling on my chest
With a dark cloud around me
Gasping
When I came awake enough
To realise I was alive
The feeling of death and darkness
Was still so heavy and permeable
I padded on bare feet
To my baby's room
To listen to him breathe

Xander

2009-10-13T16:04:00.003+10:00

(photo courtesy of Andrew)

I love
The way your tongue curls when you smile
The fact that you smile as you fall asleep
Your warm brown eyes
Your pouting bottom lip
The way you wrinkle your nose in disgust when I kiss you or intense
concentration when you're looking for a feed
The way your tiny hands hold on to me
Your serious little expressions
The beautiful noises you make when you are content
The way you completely relax as you fall asleep in my arms
Everything

Also

2009-09-22T15:44:00.002+10:00

I have put my house up for sale. Wish me luck.

Xander and ToTo

2009-09-22T15:25:00.003+10:00

Toby is Xander's younger cousin. He is 8 days younger. Here are some photos of them together. For those who find all babies look alike - Xander is the one with the monster on his clothes (the extremely good looking baby - no bias here) and Toby (ToTo) is the one with the lion on his clothes (he's cute too). The bald babies at the end who now have pin feathers belong to Oscar and Pepper.

ToTo tried to hit Xander, but Xander just attempted to suck his arm.

Eyes

2009-09-14T14:25:00.002+10:00

The baby birds eyes opened yesterday!

Update on all my babies

2009-09-09T09:48:00.004+10:00

Pepper and Oscar's babies are still alive - mostly due to Pepper who is always feeding them. Normally a well groomed bird who takes a bath when you first put water in the cage every morning - she looks terrible. She is white and her whole front in the morning is stained with regurgitated food. Oscar guards the cage - which means he tries to bite me when I put food in - not that helpful in the way of parenting.

Xander is also alive, and I suspect to most people I look rather similar to Pepper - stained shirt and a little ragged around the edges. Matthew's input is more helpful then Oscar's. He does bathtime, and many nappy changes, and calms Xander when I can't. Here are photos to update - but they are from my iphone so the quality is poor.

Bathtime with daddy is Xander's favourite time of day.

Walking on an almost rainy day, we decided not to risk it, and the raincover went on the pram

Even in his sleep, he is very thoughtful.

Multitasking I was breast feeding lying on the floor whilst fixing a problem on my mum's laptop, Xander fell asleep.

BBQ Geddes

After a disasterous morning at home, I gave up and went down to the lakes for a walk and a coffee. There Xander put on his "perfect baby" show. Faker.

An early picture of his "oooh" face

New Babies

2009-09-02T17:14:00.004+10:00

Oscar and Pepper became parents again today, hopefully this time it will last longer then last time!
Two little baby birds - as ugly as can be.
One angry Oscar as Bec looked at his babies

Our verandah and street through Oscar's eyes

Alexander (Xander)

2009-08-02T12:27:00.003+10:00

I have a beautiful baby boy, Alexander, he is now 11 days old. He was only 2.77kg born. I was induced at 39 weeks, got to 9cm, and had an emergency caesarean section for foetal distress. However he came out perfectly healthy. He is pretty much the most beautiful thing in the world. He keeps me very busy at the moment, so I haven't been on the net really much at all. Hopefully when we're in more of a routine things will improve on that front.

Chocolate Fudge Cake

2009-07-16T15:33:00.002+10:00

here you are Kirsten...

Ingredients:
6 eggs
1/2 cup brown sugar
400g cooking chocolate
cup thick cream (48% fat)
2 tablespoons cointreau
2 tablespoons orange juice

Instructions
Grease tin (22cm round)
beat eggs and sugar
gradually beat in melted chocolate
combine cream, OJ, cointreau
stir the cream mixture into the chocolate mixture
pour into the tin

place pan in baking dish which has boiling water about half way
cover with foil
bake in moderate (180) oven 30 minutes
remove foil bake 30 more minutes
cool
turn onto plate

More Leunig

2009-06-30T21:10:00.002+10:00

I have been reading my Michael Leunig books again. So rather then bore you too much with what's happening in my life, I thought I'd share someone else's insights into life with you.

------------
From Michael Leunig's book "When I talk to you"

Dear God,

We struggle, we grow weary, we grow tired. We are exhausted, we are distressed, we despair. We give up, we fall down, we let go. We cry. We are empty, we grow calm, we are ready. We wait quietly.

A small, shy truth arrives. Arrives from without and within. Arrives and is born. Simple, steady, clear. Like a mirror, like a bell, like a flame. Like rain in summer. A precious truth arrives and is born within us. Within our emptiness.

We accept it, we observe it, we absorb it. We surrender to our bare truth. We are nourished, we are changed. We are blessed. We rise up.

For this we give thanks.

Amen.
-------------

Last week of work

2009-06-28T18:34:00.003+10:00

Well I have one more week of work left before I stop work and rest or nest or somethingarather. I was going to keep working past next week as I was feeling so well that it didn't seem like stopping work was necessary, however I have decided I will stop after all. I still feel well, but I did have a little overnight stay in hospital last week to observe my blood pressure which was perfect in hospital, but had played up at the obstetricians a little... Anyway when I was back at work on friday, I got the impression that some people thought I should be at home resting given the recent hospital visit. I am following my obstetricians instructions and monitoring my BP twice a day and checking my urine for protein daily, and it has really been fine. However the hospital trip did motivate me to start washing all those baby clothes just in case!

__________
I am re-reading "The Curly Pyjama Letters" by Michael Leunig. The first "entry" seems very appropriate.

Dear Mr. Curly,
I have not written to you for quite some time, I suppose because there has been very little to report. My journey appears to have developed into a process of steady plodding which I rather like. When you plod, everything seems to take forever and forever is a lovely thing once you stop being scared of it.

Strange, how something that takes a lot of time can give a feeling that there is a lot of time - and a lot of space and a good measure of ease. So onward I plod, through beautiful things and terrible things, too numerous to mention, with my duck ahead of me and my gargling angel to protect me from above. I am well and I hope you are too.

Best Wishes; yours truly,
Vasco Pyjama

PS Is it "gargling" angel or "guardian" angel? Somebody once suggested it should be "guardian" but I grew up believing it was "gargling" - "My gargling angel" and that's how I think of it. Oh well, whatever; it seems to care for me!
_________

Update

2009-05-26T14:12:00.002+10:00

This is just a boring update, because somehow I seem to have just not been on the internet for a month. Sometimes life just seems to flash by at an incredible speed. I don't know why.

First, I am getting very fat. Matthew keeps reminding me it's a baby, but I'm feeling quite round in the tummy. Being short, I don't feel that there is a lot of tummy space for a baby to grow in, and I'm starting to doubt the wisdom of another two months of incubating.

Secondly. In good news, I have so far tested negative for tuberculosis. I do have to have another test in about two months, but I'm pretty sure I'm fairly safe to be around. Is it wrong to hope that the doctor who saw the patient before me and gave them symbicort and sent them away does get just a little mild case of tuberculosis? Honestly, take a history! A five year history of cough, in someone originally from an asian country, who's parent had tuberculosis when she was 13 and you didn't even want to at least do an xray???? Despite no history (personal or family) of asthma you thought treating them for asthma (without testing for it) was where the money was at??

Turns out I can't particularly think of anything else that's been going on. Matt and I had our 6 year wedding anniversary. There was all that rain which was good for the dams, bad for the people it flooded and meaningless to the rest of us because despite what they said they haven't changed the water restrictions because the government likes to suppress people and take away their choices (as well as only give them watering times that the unemployed can use). Not that I'm feeling bitter or pissed off at all.

I think I need a nap.

Epilepsy Action Australia

2009-04-29T19:39:00.002+10:00

Whilst all my patients are coming in distressed about all the media coverage of swine flu, I am distressed about a different news story that has had far little coverage. Epilepsy Action Australia has had a major decrease in corporate donations, causing concerns that they may have to cut services.

Obviously at this time a lot of non for profit organisations are struggling financially. I am concerned about this one on a completely personal level that has little bearing on my chosen career as a doctor. My sister died two years ago at the age of 28 of "sudden unexpected death in epilepsy". This was after struggling with epilepsy for many years. I have two cousins who also have epilepsy and have struggled with all the issues this brings along.

Epilepsy is not uncommon. People with epilepsy face a lot of struggles and problems. The difficulties they face depend on how well controlled their epilepsy is. In my sister's case: She couldn't drive. She couldn't swim unsupervised. She couldn't take a bath because she might drown. She had to take medications that caused side effects and problems. She had multiple trips to the emergency departments around Brisbane. She might wake up on the street, on a bus, anywhere, surrounded by concerned people with no idea what was going on. She struggled with the stigma and misunderstanding that occurs when people know someone has epilepsy or witness a seizure. She struggled with low mood (in recent changes to the precautions on a lot of epilepsy medications increased suicidality has been added as a side effect of the medication). She struggled with multiple disruptions to her studies and her life.

It's not just the people who have epilepsy who struggle, it's their families. Imagine being a parent. Never knowing when a seizure will occur, how long it will last, what injuries they might sustain. Imagine sleeping with the doors open so you can hear if they have a seizure in their sleep. Imagine every time you hear something drop or fall, running to see if your child is having a seizure. Imagine taking them to specialist after specialist trying to get things under control. Imagine trying to drag your child out of the water whilst they thrash (now I know - three adults are probably required to swim with/supervise one teenager with epilepsy because keeping someone above water who is having a seizure is pretty tough work). Imagine them getting older and struggling with how to keep the balance of keeping them safe and having a "normal" life.

The support that some of these foundations give to families and people who suffer with epilepsy is crucial. The education, the understanding, support networks, information, training. Things that as a doctor we can't provide in the same way. Epilepsy Action Australia gets less then 3% of it's funding from the government.

If you got "stimulated by Heavy Kevie" as my other sister keeps referring to the $900 government stimulus package, consider redistributing some of that government money to a worthy cause.

Disappointment

2009-04-06T09:48:00.004+10:00

Disappointment, as defined by Bec "planning a kayak trip for ages for when you're 23 weeks pregnant because soon you'll be too fat to kayak and after that you'll have a small baby and won't be able to kayak, spending your entire day off packing everything into dry bags and shopping for those final things you need, then receiving a phone call from the EPA to say that they have closed the upper Noosa River because of a weather event (ie some flooding)"

Matt and I both organised to have friday off so we could drive up close to where we were going on the Thursday night, stay in a cheap hotel and then kayak off in the morning. Apart from the pest of coordinating a day off like that, this was kind of my last chance, my last hoorah before my life is consumed by parenthood. We had organised to hire some nice fibreglass kayaks from Rosco - a local family business. We had borrowed Matt's parents 4WD. I had borrowed some lures to catch bass with from my boss. Had borrowed my brother's favourite rod and reel. We had booked the campsite (campsite 8) - only accessible by kayak

I had bought freeze dried food that you just rehydrate with hot water seeing as we had limited space and weren't going to be able to keep things cold - amongst many other foods and camping things we bought.
And finally on my day off on Thursday, whilst Matt worked, I gathered everything together, checked and rechecked lists, packed things into dry bags. All the while dutifully not watching the news, not reading the internet, interrupting my brother when he tried to tell me that the sunshine coast was flooded and not listening to the radio, because I didn't want to hear anything that would stop me from going, because this was kind of my last chance. If only I hadn't answered my phone either....

After throwing my 1-2 hour temper tantrum, I did calm down somewhat and manage to have a nice weekend. Friday Matt and I started driving to the sunshine coast hinterland, but stopped at Alma Park Zoo instead (we didn't get very far). We then meandered homeward. The next day we went to the kayak demonstration day that Rosco had so we could try all their different kayaks. Matt fell in love with the arctic raider. I got mildly sunburnt. Oops. Matthew tipped the kayak over and went in the water whilst trying to "edge" (whatever that means). That was incredibly funny and certainly one of my highlights from the day. Personally I stayed in wider, shorter, stabler kayaks and didn't try anything fancy. Matt looked like he had more fun. I still enjoyed myself but when you're really not very experienced (ie not at all experienced) and there are heaps of experienced kayakers standing on the shore watching you try the kayak, including the guy who makes the kayaks and has been doing so since the '60's, I find that a little less of a comfortable situation, which is why hiring them and taking them away and having fun with them out of the watchful eye of others seemed a better plan.

We went and looked at Matt's brother's house which is currently being built and the display house that shows us the finished product. Then we had lunch with Matt's dad and aunt at a yummy seafood restaurant at Scarborough.

Sunday was more of a lazy day where Matt went to uni to work, and I went to church and then flitted about having coffee with people.

Today I woke up felt like I must have put on 100kgs since getting pregnant, so stepped on my wii fit (which is the only set of "scales" I have at home) to see how bad it was and it told me I'd gained 1.8kg since getting pregnant, but I think it was just being kind, I suspect they really aren't the most accurate way to weigh yourself, but seeing as it had a before weight recorded, it seemed the easiest way.

Still trying not to think of the adventure fun that could have been this weekend.

Good Day

2009-03-26T08:59:00.001+10:00

Ahhh, the mood swings of a pregnant woman! Today is a good day. Ignore the angst behind the song, it's just a good day!

My Stale Heart

2009-03-23T09:10:00.003+10:00

Look in the window
At my stale heart
Beating through the every day
Out of habit
Time flying past
Without me making sense
Or even noticing
The beauty around
Fly from one thing to the next
Never take time for introspect
Where does that leave me now?
Weary, weary, weary
From what?
From emptiness.

Down

2009-03-21T20:22:00.002+10:00

Sometimes I just feel blue
No reason, my soul just feels totally blank

Anyway, ignore the slide show, and the bad quality sound, it's just the song I like and this was the best version I could find on youtube.

I'm Fading (by Jewel)

Not To Hurt You

2009-03-09T15:04:00.002+10:00

I see you
Your hands are busy
Your heart is grey
You are unsure how you got to this place
And no one can help
For words from others
Will do nothing but harm

I want to wake you up
To say to you
Let go of of some of these things
Hold on to others
You do not love yourself
You pour out all you have
And have nothing left when you need it

You are loved so much
But you do not see it
Because you still feel unworthy
You cannot receive it
So you are like a bottomless well
All the love poured in
Does not fill you

Until you are a spring
And fill from within
All that is given
Will become but a bitter poison
And what you give
Rather then being refreshing and lifegiving
Will be tainted

I am staying silent
But I want to wrap you up in hope and warmth
And gently try to open your eyes
But it would be like a toddler
Trying to hold a butterfly
I don't have the skill to do it without crushing you
All I can do is pray

Mice Nest Versus Bec and Matt: Attempt 1

2009-02-23T17:27:00.003+10:00

A feisty nest of mice set up camp in what appeared to be an abandoned compost bin. One sunny Sunday afternoon, it seemed to intermittently get brighter as the roof of their home opened and closed. They mostly ignored this interruption to their happy life, although they got the sudden urge to hide occasionally with it. Meanwhile on the surface, two conniving humans plotted the mice's demise.

Could they just fill the whole compost bin with ratsac? No, environmentally too risky.
Could they get a cat and put it in the compost bin and see who won? Nope, don't have a cat, and are sort of allergic too them.
Could they fill the whole thing with cement and hope it filled up the underground holes and drowned the mice? Matt looks at Bec like she's crazy and explains about the viscosity of cement and the fact that such a plan is unlikely to succeed. But he looks at her thoughtfully....
And a plan is hatched

One person to hose the bottom to help create a bit of a general seal, perhaps try and flood the tunnels if possible (we have a pretty clay like ground). Dry ice in the compost bin.... What does this equal??? A little mouse gas chamber! Advantage: at the end there are no poisoned mice that other animals might eat and accidently get poisoned, and there is no impact on the compost in our bin. Practically an organic solution to pest control!

Day 2 of evil plan.
Call local fishing store that always advertises it has dry ice... you need to order it a day in a day in advance. Start madly phoning places to find dry ice. Invite friend to mouse massacre as Matt is at work. Drive with friend to Capalaba (45 minutes), get $40 block of dry ice - meant to last 4 days when camping. Stop at produce store to get some conventional non-killing mouse traps - they have run out (is there an infestation??). Keep going. Stop for sustenance. Get home. Put wire around bin so that if mice run out, they will all be herded towards the mallet wielding Bec and the bucket wielding friend. Hose bottom of bin and drop dry ice in top. Wait expectantly. Wonder where the mouse are. Look in bin. Poke compost. Mmmm.... Go inside to leave the gas chamber to develop. After a while go back outside again. Open compost, sift through it. One dead mouse ($40 later). Not suffocated so much as frozen to death (perhaps after being stunned by a giant block of ice falling on it). Rethink plan. Find mouse entrance to subterranean network. Place dry ice block (which is heavy and cold and difficult to safely maneuver) over hole. Put plastic container over the top of the dry ice, try and pile things around bottom to create a better seal. Hope for the best. Success can only be measured in whether there is a dead animal smell in a few weeks.

Future plan: to put the traps that trap the mice alive (to minimise risk to other animals) around outside. Still need to buy these.

Stay tuned for further attempts on the mice's lives.

Mice

2009-02-23T09:10:00.003+10:00

Well in an attempt to avoid cleaning up the house, Matt and I did some work in the garden yesterday. We have two compost bins, an "active" one where we put our compost, and one that is busy decomposing the older compost so that it's ready to use in the garden. We thought the older compost would be ready to use, so I opened the lid to look in and see. Some brown little field mice scurried about taking almost no notice of me, although eventually they made a vague attempt to hide. Some of you may remember a small mice incident where we accidently carried a mouse into our garage and it eventually got into the house and it bit Matt on the thumb in his sleep and added to his already decided distrust/dislike of all things rodent (every time we go to the produce store he says NO we are not having a guinea pig!). So I calmly shut the lid and said "Matt I think we might not use the compost, it has a bit of a mouse problem". He was really quite calm, seeing as he hadn't actually had them jump out at him or anything. At any rate, it turned out to be an important warning. Because as he pulled up the salvia and the sage to make ready the garden bed for it's new season and so we could lay out some nice mice nesting material (ie lucerne) on top of the garden beds, a mouse jumped out at him and ran and hid in the other sage. I think he took it a lot better than he would have had we not already discovered the mice. So I did what anyone would do when an animal threatened a love one. I picked up the mallet and started hitting the sage and chasing the mouse with a mallet, but it escaped into the pumpkin and sweet potato patch, and it was all over then. Now don't get Matt wrong, apart from rodents he's quite good with creepy crawlies. Our garden beds are rife with big brown spiders (?wolf spiders?) which whenever you dig anywhere or move anything run out and we're happy to just ignore them. However I think he thinks the mice have a personal vendetta against him (due to his job as a biological scientist sacrificing rodents on the altar of knowledge). Anyway Matt and I (mostly Matt) have concocted a cunning plan to deal with them (like something out of Tom and Jerry or some movie from the mouse's perspective where the humans trying to kill them start getting more and more creative and ridiculous) which if my friend comes over this morning, I shall do my best to talk him into helping me carry out. I'm sure it will turn into a hilarious disaster (or a mouse slaughter) and I will blog about it after all is said and done. I shall keep you informed.

Discrimination

2009-02-16T09:08:00.002+10:00

For the first time ever the other day I felt discriminated against for being a female. Well more specifically for being a pregnant female. A part-time job I was sort of semi-applying for rejected me on the basis of wanting to train someone who would be able to be with them consistently over the next 2-3 years. I know I should be completely outraged or something, but it seemed like a fair call - I will be taking 2-3 months off in just a few months. Even though I personally don't have a problem with it, it was kind of disappointing to miss out on something _already_ because of little Stripy!

Better

2009-02-05T17:06:00.002+10:00

Am feeling better. Not quite as tired, and I only rarely vomit now. Feeling more positive about the baby plan. Am enjoying being back at my old job. No excuses for being slack, just haven't been spending as much time on the internet. I don't know when I'll get back to regular blogging. I've always been sporadic and I guess I'm just going through a lack of interest phase.

My Parasite

2009-01-19T09:33:00.004+10:00

I feel like I should be a swirl of colourful happy emotions
I should feel all nurturing and excited
My mind and heart should be consumed
But I feel sick and bored of the whole idea already

I sat down, and I wanted to say I felt all those things
I really dug down deep
But all I felt was nausea

I know theoretically I can do this
And someone said the insticts come
This doesn't seem like a fun adventure
It feels like the end of my life as I know it

Weightless

2008-12-11T21:52:00.002+10:00

I am sad it has come to this
The bitter taste in my mouth
A hard decision, but right
For I would not have thrived
I will shake off this ending
Look back at the better times
Smile and say goodbye

I must take what I've stored
The things that made me angry
The things that made me sad
The things that made me hurt
The things that confused me
And I will set light to them
And watch them float away

I will walk away weightless

Home Now

2008-11-24T20:34:00.009+10:00

Blackbird at the Villa:

I am home now, but I will catch you up on those last few weeks where I was too busy to post.

The Villa:

Road to the Villa:

After my last post we went to an enoteca and did some wine and olive oil tasting, which was a fun experience. Afterwards as we were going over the little river in Greve we saw a Water Vole swimming through the water and eating grass. On the way back from Greve we stopped at a little winery, that was also a saffron farm which was very cool.

Water Vole:

Saffron Flower:

Monday for dinner we made a mixed grill of these delicious italian sausages, chicken and pork with a Pearl Barley, pea and lettuce broth (naked chef recipe), which is much yummier then it sounds.

On Tuesday, Julie and Declan arrived, it was so wonderful to see Julie again and to finally meet Declan. We went on a tour of the castello de Verrazzano's wine making/cellar and had a wonderful tasting afterwards and it was very fun. Prior to all this occurring Matt went to the markets in Florence and he bought fresh quails, a fresh white truffle and a variety of other goods. That night for dinner we had delicious fresh quails grilled over coals with roasted fresh beetroot and potato and asparagus. Followed by this we had some poached peaches with a splash on vin santo. With Julie and Declan there, it was quite the celebration, and some of us stayed up drinking and talking until quite late......

Still I got up out of bed Wednesday looking forward to our planned trip to Sienna, and eventually Declan was dragged out of bed by Julie and off we set. Sienna was a lovely little town, and I would love to be there for their famous horse race and see the whole town come to life with excitement. That night Matthew made a beautiful truffle and porcini mushroom cream sauce with a spinach and ricotta ravioli. It was so divine. The smell of that fresh truffle was amazing.

Truffle:

The next day Matt, mum, dad and I set of for Florence. Me to shop, them to see stuff. So we sort of did a mixture of the two. I saw the statue of David (the real one, not the replicate), and to think how long ago it was done, and out of a single piece of marble, it truly is amazing. I also looked in lots of shops..

Neptune's Fountain, Florence:

Florence:

Friday was Matthew's mother's birthday, and we had a late lunch. We made a mixed antipasto of fresh bread; grilled bread; proscuitto; cooked italian sausages; tomato with basil and olive oil and balsalmic vinegar; cheeses. Matthew made a pork ragu with papardelle pasta for second course. For third course we made a beef stroganof with roasted potatoes and roasted beets and green beans. For dessert we made a caramel panna cotta (Stephanie Alexander) - which I think was the real hit.

The next day we packed and went to Rome. In Rome Matt and I basically walked everywhere, roaming the shops, stumbling on fountains and famous landmarks. We went to the Zoo and had a fun time there. We did a tour of the collosseum and some other old places. We did a tour of the vatican, saw the Sistene Chapel, Caught sight of the Pope as he blessed people in the square, walked to the top of St Peter's Basilica, got a great view of the city and the Pope's Gardens.

Zoo:

Zoo Starfish:

Zoo Rhea:

Zoo Peacock:

Zoo Octopus

Trevi Fountain:

Doctors and Nurses:

Colloseum:

Grim Reaper:

At the vatican, we climbed the dome of St Peter's, after we saw the Pope blessing people in the square.

Inside St Peter's:

Mosaic in the dome:

Pope:

View of the Pope's Gardens from the top of the dome:

View of St Peter's Square from the dome:

Cranium is wrong, the sun doesn't have to be at your back to see a rainbow, here is my proof (you may need to enlarge it to see the rainbow, but it's there!:

Tuscany Continues

2008-11-09T03:08:00.013+10:00

I'm glad people are jealous, but happily, this is sure to be a trip I repeat, so you can all come next time - how fun would that be? The Villa has five very large bedrooms which each have beds for two people (some singles some doubles). Three bathrooms, four toilets, a large kitchen (gas stove)/eating area with fireplace, big foyer, another living space with lounges, tv and another dining table, an outdoor area with another large table, a bbq, an out of ground pool, a view over vineyards, it's own olive grove (currently with people in it picking olives) and today I walked back from the local town which is not too far at all.

The second night we cooked we did your classical minestrone (as per Stephanie Alexander), this was good because as I said it was with home made stock.

After our long journey to Pisa, we came home to find Wendy had made some lovely spaghetti bolognese.

After a shorter day of journeying the next day we did some proper cooking
Entree was Pappa al Pomodoro - a soup from the Stephanie Alexander book. This was simple and delicious - a tomato, bread and basil soup. Here is a photo of the book taken with the computer's inbuilt webcam:

Main course was Slow Roasted Loin of Pork with Fennel, Rosemary and Garlic, also from Stephanie Alexander (all the stephanie Alexander ones are from her Tuscan Cookbook):

Next was Stone Fruit in sweet wine. They had particulary recommended Vin Santo, which is expensive in Australia, and easy to get here. You basically take any stone fruit, pour some sugar on it, pour some sweet wine on it, and let it sit there for an hour or so until the fruit is macerated. The fruit should not be swimming in the wine, it should soak in.

The night after we made our regular herb and mushroom risotto as we didn't have as much time to prepare. Entree was just some fresh asparagus grilled with some olive oil and topped with pepper and parmesan - we popped it in the middle of the table and people could just pick it up like finger food so you could just have as much as you wanted.

All the food has been good so far, today after a humongous lunch there are no plans to eat dinner. There will perhaps be some cheese and bread. This brings me to updating you on the two journeys I haven't mentioned so far. The day we went to Pitigliano, the via cava guiseppe and the abbey Sant Antimo. And today - the day we ate *lunch*.

It was an early start to the day to get to Pitigliano, as it is a fair way South of us. And it was worth it. I had no idea how amazing the town of Pitigliano itself was, as I was going there simply to find out how to get to the etruscan pathways.

Pitigliano is built on the edge of a cliff above a ravine. I can barely explain it, and the photos don't do it justice.

Pitigliano was really a stepping stone to my goal. The Via Cava, or the etruscan walkways. Before Christ, an ancient civilisation lived in the area and built pathways through the forest. By built I mean they carved out pathways. So the Via Cavas are essentially caves with no roof beneath a forest, so you walk through with big stone walls either side, and a forest above you. A nice open air, Italy experience. The city seen in these photos is Pitigliano as seen from one of the openings of the via cavas. The via cavas cross the country side between a few of the local cities as they are the old pathways. Fantastic, a must do, even if it's 2-3 hours from where you're staying...

It was a rush to get from there to the Abbey of Sant Antimo, in time to hear the monks do Gregorian Chant. This abbey was originally built in about 800, and after some destruction rebuilt perhaps 1200. It still has monks there, and we heard them at the 245pm session. The acoustics in the church was brilliant, the surrounds simple and lovely. The olive trees appeared as old as the church.

On the way home from the abbey we stopped for "lunch" at about 4pm at Montalcino. Here is the view from the window of the cafe.

That was the end of that day.

Onto telling you about "lunch". In the book he talks a lot about lunch with Gina, an italian old lady where you get what's being served and you eat from 1-4pm and just chill out looking at the fantastic view. After much googling, I found the restaurant. La Bottega, Volpaia. Despite their lack of English, and my lack of Italian, I managed, over the phone, to book us a table for lunch on Saturday. The papa makes the cured meats, the mamma makes the pastas, and the daughter Carla Barucci is the chef. I have never been so full in my life. There were 7 of us and we were determined to have the full experience. So we ordered first, second and third course - almost one of everything - with a few exceptions - shared all the meals between us - and then some dessert and coffee. (there was naturally chianti classico from the volpaia region with lunch). We did not manage to eat everything, but I at least had a bite of everything. We were there from 12-3, and pretty much rolled home (me with the window open feeling car sick from the rich far too much food and the windy hills). We got to taste some yummy, authentic italian food.
Looking out from the restaurant

View of the restaurant

Update on Tuscany

2008-11-09T01:51:00.009+10:00

Here in Tuscany, I am having a fantastic time. There are two distinct parts to our trip here. One is the "tourist" part, one is the cooking part. I am using my mum's computer, because I can't seem to do the iphone blogging with photos, so the photos are just from my digital camera, which is sort of working.

For the touring part, I came totally unprepared. But there is a book I read called "too much tuscan sun" which is by a local tour guide. So when I had jetlag (in other words from 3am-6am one morning) I started researching some of the places he mentioned in the book to see if I could find them. Thus began my "list". Some of the things I have done are from the book, some are just must sees I couldn't resist, and some just happened along the journey.
From the book:
Brolio Castle - belonging to one of the oldest families of the region - has been in their family for thousands of years
Vertine: classic unspoilt village
Lunch at La Bottega, Volpaia - for classical old style italian cooking
etruscan tombs (couldn't find the local ones, became obsessed with the etruscan pathways near Pitigliano instead and that all comes later)
abbey of sant'antimo at castelnuovo dell'abate - to hear the monks do gregorian chant
Wineries

I came armed with cookbooks, photocopies of recipes and distinct ideas in my head. Some of these have come to be, some of them have not. Unfortunately the wood fired oven in the villa is caved in, and does not work. However there is still a fire place and the kitchen is nice and big and with a gas stove top. Venison has also been particularly hard to find (esp with the language barrier - but even now that we know the word for it, not that easy to find). However we have still had some enjoyable meals.

The first night that we cooked, I started with some "crostini di fegatini" (warm chicken liver croutons). Being not entirely content with either recipes available to me, I did a combination of them both, which worked quite well. I never used to be a pate or liver person, refusing to touch it, until I had a degustation menu themed around duck liver at Siggy's, and I was converted. So below is a cross between how Stephanie Alexander does them and how Elizabeth David does them.
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ingredients:
chicken liver - cleaned and chopped - 200g -300g
proscuitto - a couple of slices
butter - kind of a chunk
flour a couple of table spoons
limoncello (was supposed to be lemon juice which I didn't have)
a few tablespoons of stock
sage leaves 8
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
1 tablespoon of tiny capers
2 tablespoons of parsley
a breadstick sliced

dredge the flour through the liver, cut the proscuitto fry it in butter add the liver, cook gently, add everything else except perhaps the parley, put the lid on and let them cook for ten minutes. Then add the parsley (but honestly I kind of made it up as I went along and I can't remember what order I added things in)
in the meanwhile fry or bake the slices of breadstick with a bit of olive oil
put the liver mixture on the top and serve warm
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For second course we did a game ragu with pappardelle (naked chef recipe) This was a lovely pasta dish with rabbit and beef (because I couldn't get venison which was supposed to be with it rather then beef). For the sake of brevity, recipe not included. But it was delicious. Matthew had made some home made stock almost immediately on us arriving at the villa, and the trick to any good recipe is good quality stock. All the other dishes that required stock were also made with this home made stock. After we made it we realised we didn't have anything to put it in, luckily however we had drunk enough wine to wash up some empty wine bottles (6) and put the stock in these.

All meals obviously served with much chianti classico, the wine of the region.

For now I will leave the food talk at that. A picture tells a thousand words so let me show you what we've been doing.

Castello di Brolio, the view:

More Brolio:

Where I want to live - VERTINE (a tiny tiny village with a beautiful view, all old buildings, quiet, out of the way, still inhabited):

I was determined to see the sea, and on the way to Pisa took a detour to Livorno, it was well worth the storm we went through to get there.

Pisa was lovely, and I expect my photos of the tower are much like everyone else's, but boy does it lean, you can really feel it when climbing up. My photo is from the church there. Plus a safety warning from the tower.

We are staying in a villa near a town 20 odd km from Florence, the town is called San Casciano. Matt and I went to town quite early in the morning, and this dog came up to us wanting to be patted. Naturally I am overly paranoid about rabies (because it doesn't exist in Australia) and am refusing to pat any animals. The dog unperturbed, ran up to the door of the church, and stopped dead with it's feet on the entrance way, obviously well aware it wasn't to go in, but it put it's head inside and cried. I figure it's owner may have been inside.

tuscany

2008-11-03T19:14:00.002+10:00

if I have seemed slack and not doing much blogging it was because I've been working and planning my trip away. I have just woken up to a beautiful Tuscan morning surrounded by vineyards and olive trees. Matthew is making pancakes, and wendy has just made me a cup of tea. Life is wonderful. Hopefully if I post again there will be photos. I'm using my iPhone so the photos would be bad quality ones done with the phone but I'll try.

One

2008-10-17T11:57:00.003+10:00

My two ringnecks are grown up. They now have a little baby of their own. I am hoping the other eggs will hatch too. For now though, this is day 1 of the first chicks little life. It was taken on my phone, so it's not brilliant quality.

"Ghosts" Laura Marling

2008-10-12T11:36:00.002+10:00

Life

2008-09-29T21:20:00.006+10:00

Sometimes life is all confusion and decisions are hard to come by. You can barely even decide what's going to be right or wrong let alone decide which path to take. It feels like that now. My head space has been full of scenarios and thoughts. Trying to work out why I'm so conflicted about this. Quote of the day "No man may be a servant to two masters: for he will have hate for the one and love for the other" (Jesus)

Anyway, lighter topic. Went fishing again on the weekend with my boss. Wasn't quite as successful as last time, but I still had a fantastic time. I saw whales. I saw flying fish. And quite frankly, the flying fish excited me more. They are almost mythical to me. When I was little all I wanted to do was to be Dr Dolittle when I grew up. I wanted to be surrounded by animals that were free and wild and loved me and helped me. The animals I loved the most were the flying fish, I wasn't even convinced they were real prior to this expedition. But as we sped along in the boat, I would frequently see in our wake, these fish jump up, wiggle their tales, and glide for ages and ages above the water, looking aerodynamically just like a bird - they flew - they didn't jump out of the water - they flew. I strained my eyes and my back constantly searching to see more of them (considering that facing backwards made me feel mildly sick and that my chances of actually successfully holding on to the boat were much increased by looking forwards and seeing the sudden "woomf" that was coming - looking backwards really was some effort for me - I did well!). I caught some fish too, which was fun and has been yummy, but not quite as many as last time. Blast the moon or lack there of as it so happens. Still was a wonderfully windless waveless trip, and when I got back I had a shower, had dinner (family came to help eat the fish which was nice), and fell into that beautiful exhausted sleep - for 11 hours!

I love being unconscious. I don't know why but I do, and the more exhausted I am, the better. When I had a sedation for a procedure, I loved the certainty of the anaesthetic. I don't know if it's because I dream so much and vividly that going to sleep is almost like another life, an adventure, but there's something wonderful about falling into a deep sleep that I find fantastic. Matt hates to sleep, feels he wastes time, he does it because he has to. I'm totally the opposite. Anyway.....

Rachem - sorry I missed your party. I'm a total slacker, blowing off your friends for a fishing trip is not a nice thing to do! Sorry also to my beautiful niece and nephew, who's dedication I also didn't attend as I was fishing. I still love everyone, but because I'm not God, I can't control the weather, and so I have to go fishing when the weather is good. It's some kind of rule! And I am very sorry to Becky, because I had no idea she was so awesome at guilt trips (I hoped you saved some of that abilitiy for Paul because it is totally his fault!) :)

Mmm... my posts are getting a bit mundane, my life has perhaps been to nice, and without angst, I probably don't write so well.

Will have to wait and write when I'm in a bad mood. Which isn't today because I had a lovely dinner with my parents, followed by a lovely chat with my dad. All seems good with the world.

pepper

2008-08-31T17:21:00.002+10:00

well today was more stressful then I imagined it would be. When I came home from shopping for gardening things to help my sister make a vegie patch I only had two birds not three. How this happened is a mystery. But pepper was not in her cage and oscar was very sad. Oscar and pepper bonded and I have noticed them recently engaging in sexual activity, so I've been thinking of popping a breeding box in their cage. I digress. The cage was shut up, the other two birds were secure but pepper was gone and I presumed stolen. However given the child laden community I live in I had a theory that some children let themselves in through our fence and opened the cage and pepper accidently got away because it's really easy to see the birds from the street. So I went for a walk looking for signs of a dead parrot or listening for a distressed parrot sound and calling out to pepper using oscar's quiet whistle. After an unsuccessful walk I got in the car and drove around with the window open to try and hear pepper. I got totally disorientated but wound up on a street and thought I could hear pepper but decided she was in the street behind these houses so drove around to there. I did the quiet whistle and she did her distressed cry. I decided she was in one of about 3 houses and I called matt and tried to describe where I was so he could help and when I looked around I realized I could see our house. Then I asked this kid if he'd seen a parrot and he pointed to a fence where he'd seen her. But Boone was home there. So I knocked on their neighbours door and the kid their climbed the fence and found pepper and we got her back! It was pretty much a miracle because I was fairly surprised the local birds didn't kill her. Anyway I can't be bothered proof reading this to see if there are typos or if it makes sense because I am doing this on my phone and it's too tricky to see the whole entry.